told my husband it would be so sexy hot to have a threeway with a french maid* for New Years *if she cleaned my house afterwards

Caught my husband crying like a bitch during We Bought a Zoo, kinda makes me want to blow him

I think my day would be going much smoother if my tights actually met up with my crotch.

I hate when I'm drunk and I think its a great idea to order coloncleanse and other random shit online.

One of those magical days that I would swear my husband has a vagina.

currently playing a little game I like to call "sinus infection or brain tumor?"

Ever start reading someone's TL, then you open another TL and another TL, another TL, another TL, yah, that's pretty much my day right there

Insomnia is a whore that won't let you sleep with her.

My lightning fast reflexes are only tied into my alarm clock snooze button, apparently.

I just whispered to a little girl "don't eat that muffin, unless you want to turn into Honey Boo Boo." Going to hell, and I'm good with it.

Started the day with mini chocolate frosted donettes ended with reheated pizza from last night, you tell me what my self esteem level is....

So cute when my son asks me why I'm drinking coffee so late and its a mug of Baileys.

I just crapped so hard and fast I think I need an episiotomy.

there are not nearly enough tv commercials featuring squirrels and nuts, that shit is never not funny.

Blah blah blah, DINNER, blah blah blah BILLS, blah blah blah, YOU'RE DRINKING, blahblah... what I hear while I'm looking at my husbands lips

Screwed the pooch on Tuesday by drinking like its Thursday on Monday night

Sweet Jesus, Tempurpedic makes a bed now with a built in massage function, so long suckers, I may never see the light of day again

day 3 of not smoking going well, but still don't feel confident enough to release the hostages

The empty parking spot directly in front of the liquor store was a clear indicator that I needed to hit the liquor store*logic I use clearly

Among the bad decisions I regret in this life, trying the $3.99 bottle of Oak Hill chardonnay from Walmart was definitely in the top 5.