When people say "socially liberal, fiscally conservative" what they generally mean is "I'm financially secure, but not a bigot."

My phone auto-corrects "YOLO" to "Tool". Correct indeed.

If all we ever desire from others is compassion, shouldn't we be the first to give it?

It's a good thing I'm almost thirty years old and everything.

Just great. Now I want a goat.

Good luck in the history books Scalia. You will not be remembered kindly. For many reasons. Pride doesn't help when you're a footnote. #duh

Spike has an entire shelf in his fridge dedicated entirely to hot sauces.  http://instagr.am/p/VSce35mKSc/ 

@crescentphx yeowza.

@emilymayamills your Victoria Jackson tweet is probably my favorite thing ever.

At some point in time, every single thing you ever did will have become pointless.

This year I will vote for my candidates exactly like I play Mad-Libs in public: Drunk. And crying.

Someday there will be Wikileaks-branded adult-diapers. And won't you be sorry on that day.

On that hobbies/interests section of the form, just go ahead and put "pot".

For some reason, I feel like bacon from a unicorn would just taste better.

I stereotype because it's a great time saver.

"Immigrants are causing the black eyed peas, computer hackers and the cancellation of Freaks and Geeks." - Pretty sure John Mccain

@hxchero @vzwsupport shittier* I TELL YOU WHAT TO SAY, PHONE, NOT THE OTHER WAY AROUND

@hxchero @vzwsupport one of the Whittier companies in my experience. Sent from my Verizon Wireless phone.

Murderball 2: Extremely Murdered Balls

Let's start a band called "Dollar Store Pregnancy Test"