Dear Craigslist, where the hell am I supposed to post pictures of the inside of my bent elbow now?

I thought Bret Farve retired from Poison a long time ago

I'll drink to that*! *anything

if you think you are having a medical or psychiatric emergency, please tweet about it before calling 911

Why don't all cookbooks start with a section about how to treat burns

Fuck you and the whores you rode in on. Pretend that didn't end in a preposition.

I give great headaches

was just sexually harassed. it went okay.

Dear Hollywood: we want harlots, not starlets. Love, The Internet.

Whenever I miss how college was, I drink at work more

It's cute how MapQuest assumes you'll go the speed limit.

I’ll go to the city if someone else drives #BayAreaQuotes

Hawaiian is not an ethnicity. It's a pizza.

DON'T WORRY ABOUT ME. MY THERAPIST SAYS I'LL PROBABLY BE OK. OR SOMETHING. I WASN'T LISTENING.

Sexy metal pants

Jupiter's cock I'm tired

God gives us rain to remind everyone what shitty drivers you are compared to me

Why isn't going to a spa to be put into a refreshing coma a thing yet

Dear Guy on 101 Flipping Me Off: My day started with dog vomit. You don't scare me.

This Accord next to me is telling me to vote for John Kerry.