I miss being the age when I thought I would have my shit together by the time I was the age I am now.

If your wife can't handle a compliment maybe she shouldn't keep such a well groomed mustache.

you know you suck if a porn bot unfollows you on twitter

When life hands you cannabis, sit back and laugh at everyone that just got lemons.

I wish ice cream trucks came around at night when we needed them the most.

I dont think watching people sleep is at all creepy. Usually its when I start brushing their hair that things become a bit awkward and weird

Just curious if anyone has looked into the laws of marrying an electric blanket. I am in Utah if this changes anything.

Let's just sit and look at our phones together (my idea of a perfect date)

People that actually pay for porn creep me out.

Found out today that you really shouldn't compliment a mans combover, even if it is a fucking sweet combover.

The worst part about a having a cellphone is when people try to call you on it.

I think its awesome how old people leave us voice mail and actually expect us to listen to it.

When my therapist suggested maybe I should make some new friends,all I kept hearing was "you should start following more people on twitter".

Orange juice tastes funny without any vodka.

I don't think I was the only male doing the walk o' shame out of the theater tonight after New Moon.

do you think the creator of Snuggie is laughing his ass off as he convinced a nation of people that its ok to just wear the robe backwards?

8 hours of sleep is so 1995. who really gets 8 hours of sleep anymore?

The only problem I have with hoarding is how trendy it has become.

According to google maps there is no such place as Cougar Town, this show is so full of shit.

Was told that I looked a lil' like Jesus. Maybe its my beard,but I got to thinking it was probably from the ketchup I had all over my palms.