You're calling them by the wrong name. The word "sweatpants" implies sweating and exercise. What you're wearing are just "eatpants."

If you watch all my parents' home movies backwards, you see a kid who looks less and less like he's gonna fuck up his whole life.

Nurse: On a scale of 1-10, how bad is the pain?

Me: I wanna stab a baby in the face.

Nurse: ...

Me: ...seven, maybe?

I don't steal tweets. If I write one that sounds like yours, you should be concerned that we're thinking alike. Very. Fucking. Concerned.

So my Twitter machine started making this odd noise and vibrating and the words "Incoming Call" were on my screen. What the hell is THAT?!?!

Her: My kid is so cute...
Me: My balls smell funny.
Her: WHAT?!
Me: Sorry, thought we were playing "Guess What I Don't Wanna Fuckin' Hear."

When it comes to playing stupid, some of you play to win.

Will I respect you in the morning? Honey, I don't respect you NOW.

I'm kidding. The point is moot. I won't be here in the morning.

"...and, dude, the best part: she already has a kid!"

- no guy, ever, about a girl he just met. Ever. Fucking ever.

If you abuse a girl or an animal, I don't care what else is on your resumé, you're a piece of garbage & need to be removed from the equation

I'm just a guy,
standing in front of a girl,
through a window,
behind the bushes,
in the dark,
feverishly jerking off,
and live-tweeting it.

Actually lady, I'm not "scratching" my balls. It's the "pinch and roll." And if you had any idea how good this felt, you'd shut the fuck up.

The funnier someone is, the more damaged they are. Funny comes from pain. Someone went through hell so you could giggle for six seconds.

There's nothing sadder than seeing a girl and thinking, "I'd like to fuck her brains out," then talking to her and thinking, "Too late."

For every ★ this tweet gets, an angel will shit in Sarah Palin's mouth in the afterlife.

If you're happy with your boy/girlfriend / wife/husband / whatever, may I, on behalf of everyone, say




take that shit back to Facebook.

I'm not saying I jerk off a lot, but the last time a white flag came out.

I star tweets for four reasons:

1) They're funny
2) They're intelligent
3) I wanna fuck you
4) I REALLY wanna fuck you

If I'm ever talking to a girl, know that at some point I WILL say something so dumb you'll hear her vagina slam shut like a bank vault door.

I love getting unfollowed for NOT tweeting. "Hey, this guy isn't clogging my timeline, we can't have any of that tomfoolery." Cunts.