Insomnia is proof god wants you to be a nighttime vigilante.

Just realized Chinese food makes no use of cheese and am freaked the fuck out.

Anybody else have a feeling that it doesn't matter who ends up president since the nation itself is kind of an asshole?

You may love a taco, but the taco cannot love you back.

If I was Gary Busey, I would make potato chips out of presidential candidates. Vote me for Gary Busey.

1 hour in the registration line. Am now in vote line. It's all a Romney plot to get me to watch more ads playing Word With Friends.

Awright. Fuck everything. I'm gonna listen to Immigrant Song at full volume.

America's problems began when they stopped showing Looney Tunes on Saturday morning network cartoons.

Stall tweet: Taking a plop within the halls of Southern Methodist University, where i received my PhD. That's right. Eat my poo.

If I was Tina Fey, I'd totally make out with a rabbit all day.

The longer I live in Minnesota, the more comfortable I become with the idea of the dog pooping in the apartment. #nospring

I hope the president understands the mandate my vote represents. Hard working, drunk Americans want a more just society.

Hope for healing. Pledge to teach each other to help, not hurt each other indiscriminately. #CO @butterylords @yelloworigami @arfivedefour

Proscioutto sandwich at Amsterdam= I will marry a ham, laws of the land be damned. The chicken liver will lead to a 1 night stand at a farm.

Nothing like opening the inbox and getting a good ol' guilt email from mom.

Got nose waxed for first time. Got to sew the ball of fire extracted from nostril. Cool.

Three beers drunk, and I wonder if the dog had any understanding of how much I love him.

Nothing is worse than a stale cookie when all you really want is a warm, soft, chewy, chocolatey, delicious slice of sex.

America was a different place when we had Chuck Connors, Chuck Yeager, Chuck Norris, and Chuck Jones. The post war dream was Chuck Mountain.

No refrigeration: you're in the dark ages. No hot sauce: you're a barbarian. No beer: you don't merit the title "mammal".