I have CDO. It's like OCD, but the letters are in alphabetical order. Like they should be.

If you have to ask if it's too early to drink...you're an amateur & we can't be friends

In a good relationship you both wear the pants.

In a great relationship neither of you wear pants.

I don't like to call it revenge...returning the favor sounds much nicer!

Don't ever talk behind my back, unless you're asking me to raise my ass a little more.

It's fucking scary when I have a thought that's too twisted for Twitter

Even if the voices aren't real, they have some pretty good ideas.

I will follow anybody that's going to the liquor store.

I will star typos because I'm intelligent enough to know what the fuck you meant.

When you laugh your ass off at your own tweet, you don't need any validation from anyone else.

Don't worry, I'm only crazy enough to make the sex good.

You say I've already tweeted that. Well aren't you the observant fucking stalker.

Never send a girl to do a whores job.

My misery loves vodka, and hates company.

Leave it to the Mexicans to come up with the piñata. Teaching kids at a young age to beat the shit out of something to get what they want.

Is "my dog doesn't hump anyone but you" supposed to be a compliment?

I put a massaging gel insole in my panties & it's been a great day!

I got an @ from someone that said he would unfollow anyone that retweeted me so please for the sake of god don't retweet this.

Everyone laughs in the same language.

Watch how he treats his mom ladies, if he treats her like shit it's gonna be 10 times worse for you.