If you vote against same-sex marriage you are no longer allowed to complain about anyone "taking your freedom."

I'm disappointed to be learning only now that the H1N1 virus is pronounced "hiney."

Whimsicle: Frozen Whimsy.

You're welcome.

Restaurant idea: Menu by @saltandfat, cocktails by @American_Drink, and “employees must wash hands” sign by @Mike_FTW.

Please rate the sky over NYC on a scale of 1 to Ghostbusters.

I gave a dog a funny look and it turned around and pooped at me. I have a lot of respect for that dog.

When the deli downstairs hands you a poppy seed bagel, you make poppy seed bagelade.

Death, taxes, and losing the chapstick.

The fact that I don't have a car doesn't make siphoning gas out of yours any less fun.

Cous so nice they named it twice.

Please tell me and everyone else on the train more about which of your friends are "heavy set."

Oh the Errands You'll Run!

It's too early for anyone to smell like tuna salad.

My body is no longer accepting hamburger submissions.

I can't be the only one whose brain goes right to "...Becky" right after they read or hear a drawn out, "Oh. My. God."

A tattoo of a guy giving a guy a tattoo of a guy giving a guy a tattoo of a guy giving a guy a tattoo of a... Anyway, it'll have to be big.

✔Tie
✔Cardigan
✔Glasses
✔Chucks

Today I'm a walking eyeroll machine.

Something in the office today smells like wet old people.

Have Jay-Z fans started calling themselves Hova Witnesses yet?

Someone gifted a Glenn Beck book. Shit just got real.