Girlfriend returns from conference trip in 3 hours. Cleaning up Ramen noodle wrappers and pretending I was an adult while she was gone.

I wish network news would let this story go. Choosing not to carry the child is a balloon's personal decision.

I'm convinced that service dept. clerk is part goldfish. Every time I walk in there it's the first time he's ever seen me.

It would be so much easier to tweet positive things if I wasn't losing an epic battle with the universe.

"It starts with a plane crash on a mysterious island and eventually it's just two guys playing mancala."
- J.J. Abrams pitching LOST to ABC

When you're buying that cute little kitten they never mention how much vomit you will be cleaning up for 15 years.

Which sounds better on a resumé? Soul-crushing or spirit-breaking?

Wait, did Phil Mickelson just inherit the title of "best golfer to never be injured in a car accident"? (See: Hogan, Ben or Woods, Tiger)

I fear that the only time any of us ever achieve true equality is in line at the DMV.

To be more fair and accurate, Death Panels should throw out your highest and lowest sores.

OH: "I'm not being a 'downer', I am sharing the Blanket of Reality. Snuggle up, Princess."

Sometimes I worry about being a good person. Then I catch myself laughing out loud at people running to catch the bus. I'm fine.

I think I may need to rethink how I live my life. Most of my birthday emails are from commercial web sites and NASCAR tracks.

Fortune cookie: "Birds are entangled by your feet and men by their tongue." Consider my mind blown.

Facebook is where I train myself to ignore other people's crap.

Turns out it wasn't a brown recluse spider so I don't get to tweet, "I cheated death with a wad of toilet paper."

Dear MLB, if you're not going to use instant replay, could you at least give the umpires three lifelines?

This snow on the ground makes me feel like I went out drinking w/Autumn and October & woke up in a bathtub filled with ice missing a kidney.

If I really want to see "The Men Who Stare at Goats" I can just drive a half-hour in any direction. #Pennsyltucky

Let's just agree that last night's candy corn "incident" was unfortunate and never speak of this again.