@dshaf's (D Shaf) most faved Tweets...
Girlfriend returns from conference trip in 3 hours. Cleaning up Ramen noodle wrappers and pretending I was an adult while she was gone.
I wish network news would let this story go. Choosing not to carry the child is a balloon's personal decision.
I'm convinced that service dept. clerk is part goldfish. Every time I walk in there it's the first time he's ever seen me.
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It would be so much easier to tweet positive things if I wasn't losing an epic battle with the universe.
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Wait, did Phil Mickelson just inherit the title of "best golfer to never be injured in a car accident"? (See: Hogan, Ben or Woods, Tiger)
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When you're buying that cute little kitten they never mention how much vomit you will be cleaning up for 15 years.
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I think I may need to rethink how I live my life. Most of my birthday emails are from commercial web sites and NASCAR tracks.
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Fortune cookie: "Birds are entangled by your feet and men by their tongue." Consider my mind blown.
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Dear MLB, if you're not going to use instant replay, could you at least give the umpires three lifelines?
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This snow on the ground makes me feel like I went out drinking w/Autumn and October & woke up in a bathtub filled with ice missing a kidney.
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Sometimes I worry about being a good person. Then I catch myself laughing out loud at people running to catch the bus. I'm fine.
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If I really want to see "The Men Who Stare at Goats" I can just drive a half-hour in any direction. #Pennsyltucky
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Let's just agree that last night's candy corn "incident" was unfortunate and never speak of this again.
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Turns out it wasn't a brown recluse spider so I don't get to tweet, "I cheated death with a wad of toilet paper."
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Today actually made me think: "What would it be like if all I had to do was lift weights and make license plates all day?"
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