I like my women like I like my coffee: without my best friend's penis inside it while I'm at work.

I hate when I accidentally walk in on a guy taking a shit and there's that awkward three minute pause.

I told her "Well, personality goes a long way." She said "Oh. Well next time use your personality. Maybe that'll hit the back of my vagina."

"Nice catch son!" - My dad, playing catch with the neighbor's kid as my mom and I tried on lipstick.

I've found that the best way to apply sunscreen to another dude is by 'punching it on' with your knuckles while shouting "I love pussy!"

Is it weird that one of my balls is bigger than the other two?

I just started flossing my teeth and I swear I don't remember eating this much blood.

Swiffer dusters have a new floral design on them, so now when I clean my Precious Moments figurines at work, I look like a total faggot.

"YOU'RE NOT MY FATHER!" -Me screaming at my mom.

I saw a TV commercial advertising blade-less circumcisions. Its probably a rip off.

Our "Planet of The Apes" flash mob took a turn for the worse when we put on our masks and everyone in the bank lobby started screaming.

I keep a portable table and a checkers set in my car, so in case I ever need to emphasize how mad I am, I can set it up and flip it over.

I'm pretty sure Texas toast would call French toast a "queer", then go home, get really drunk, and give his wife a shiner for being a woman.

I'm the guy at Attention Whores Anonymous who likes to say "Hi Dave" just a little out of sync with everyone else.

You know the easiest way to tell how an abortion went bad? When it won't shut the fuck up in a movie theatre.

A black girl at work asked me "Have you ever been with a sister before?" I told her "No... just a few cousins."

"Well I'm sorry if you heard 'BMW', but I distinctly said 'Dodge Neon'. Now I'll ask you again... your place or mine?"

That Jake Gyllenhaal is a sexy motherfucker. His brother Maggie ain't too bad either.

I love that one movie where Mark Wahlberg looks confused.

"Driver's license? That's a good one officer! Yeah, it's in my glove box right next to my spaceship license!"