If I sense your vulnerability, I will coo & sing & carry you across a moat of anacondas. If you sense my vulnerability, I will kill you dead

In honor of Charles Dickens' birthday, I am poor.

Nothing you ever say here will be as funny as that cat jumping into that goddamned box.

"The asteroid traveled light years to reach us," according to the report. "Fuck off, humanoids. This is so not about you," said the asteroid

I'm thinking we don't yet know enough about your masturbatory habits or what you think of breasts or tacos.

Let sleeping dogs dream of rabbits dream of carrots dream of rain.

One of the most important things a mother can teach her daughter is to never badmouth other girls. And also how to ollie like a badass.

Your tweets are telling me you might bring me some good times, but your avatar's telling me you're into anal. So yeah, let's do this.

Disable the app that signals you when someone unfollows. Continue as usual. Be brave. Master your ejaculations. Kiss dogs. Wash sheets often

Give a kid a popcicle and he will be happy for 10 minutes. Teach a kid that you can make popcicles and he will make you crazy for 10 years.

I have a 6 cd changer in the back of my car. You know what that means. Nirvana Unplugged for the last 20 motherfucking years.

March into a Pottery Barn and call out, "Hey Cracker!" When every face turns to stare at you, stare right back in disgust.

A couple is playing Scrabble at my kitchen table. They allow each other minor transgressions. So sweet? Or is it A CRIME AGAINST THE GAME

Somewhere in Indiana, a slightly framed mother is filled with ennui, bourbon, and brimstone. She considers the jackalope. She reconsiders.

When I drove under that hillside with the houses in Seattle I just knew, 'Above me a man is convincing his woman to do butt sex.'

Reminder that gender is largely a social construct and sex is just as good a way to forget about the propaganda system as any. Be safe!

I like you, but I don't polygraph like you.

What doesn't kill you often gives you incurable anxiety.

Ever look around at your friends and think: "So this is the mammalian group, evolutionarily speaking, to which I have ascended."?

"Back! Back into the Friend Zone!" she screamed, but he raced around like a wild animal. One that had already tasted her blood.