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Once at church I opened my eyes during prayer and saw Jesus riding around on a wolf making sure everyone’s eyes were closed.
You're hiking. Smokey the Bear appears smoking a cigar. He nods, flicks it into a pile of leaves and smiles, "No one will ever believe you."
When God made raccoons he was like do you want to be an old timey burglar or a trash digger. Too slow. You're both now.
This pizza looks like a pie chart of 100% good news.
What if firemen acted like policemen and just drove around shooting water at anyone who looked like they might catch on fire.
Next time you’re swallowed by a whale, stand up through the blowhole like it’s a sunroof on a limo. Throw your arms up. Have some fun.
Just found out that a MILF doesn’t necessarily have to be your own mom.
I accidentally left a blood orange next to a crip orange and now there’s fucking juice everywhere.
Sometimes a family is walking towards you taking up the entire sidewalk and you have no choice but to just become part of that family.
I accidentally grabbed the wrong shopping cart but am hoping this kid will stop screaming soon because I am not raising a cry baby.
Actually I’ve been a girl in like four different video games so I think I know what it’s like OK.
Free joke for rats: Pick up a cashew and pretend to use it as a phone.
I wish hot dogs were made out of the people that want to tell you what hot dogs are made out of.
Well it took forever but I just paid the pizza guy entirely with the quarters I found behind his ears.
I just jumped over a frog and made him look so stupid in front of like all of nature.
I want to have at least three kids so I can line them up and jump them with my bike.
I told this girl I wrote a song about her but really I just copied a soup recipe and replaced some of the vegetables with her name.
Ask someone for the time then disagree with them and ask someone else.
Look I'm sorry about your lamp but automatic karate is a serious disease.
Let's turn this Pizza Hut into a pizza home.
A wicker basket filled with lemons and writer at UCB Theater LA and Top Story Weekly. http://www.funnyordie.com/videos/e63aec1c00/garbage-wolf-rebel-nerd