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When God made raccoons he was like do you want to be an old timey burglar or a trash digger. Too slow. You're both now.
You're hiking. Smokey the Bear appears smoking a cigar. He nods, flicks it into a pile of leaves and smiles, "No one will ever believe you."
This pizza looks like a pie chart of 100% good news.
What if firemen acted like policemen and just drove around shooting water at anyone who looked like they might catch on fire.
I accidentally grabbed the wrong shopping cart but am hoping this kid will stop screaming soon because I am not raising a cry baby.
Next time you’re swallowed by a whale, stand up through the blowhole like it’s a sunroof on a limo. Throw your arms up. Have some fun.
I accidentally left a blood orange next to a crip orange and now there’s fucking juice everywhere.
A little about me: my favorite song is happy birthday and my favorite band is just my mom singing it.
Just found out that a MILF doesn’t necessarily have to be your own mom.
Well it took forever but I just paid the pizza guy entirely with the quarters I found behind his ears.
Sometimes a family is walking towards you taking up the entire sidewalk and you have no choice but to just become part of that family.
Actually I’ve been a girl in like four different video games so I think I know what it’s like OK.
Free joke for rats: Pick up a cashew and pretend to use it as a phone.
I wish hot dogs were made out of the people that want to tell you what hot dogs are made out of.
I just jumped over a frog and made him look so stupid in front of like all of nature.
I want to have at least three kids so I can line them up and jump them with my bike.
I told this girl I wrote a song about her but really I just copied a soup recipe and replaced some of the vegetables with her name.
Ask someone for the time then disagree with them and ask someone else.
Once a guy at the grocery store yelled at me to stop talking on a banana like a phone so I hung up and shot him with it.
A wicker basket filled with lemons and writer at UCB Theater LA and iO West. http://favstar.fm/users/duplicitron
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