You're hiking. Smokey the Bear appears smoking a cigar. He nods, flicks it into a pile of leaves and smiles, "No one will ever believe you."

This pizza looks like a pie chart of 100% good news.

I accidentally left a blood orange next to a crip orange and now there’s fucking juice everywhere.

What if firemen acted like policemen and just drove around shooting water at anyone who looked like they might catch on fire.

Next time you’re swallowed by a whale, stand up through the blowhole like it’s a sunroof on a limo. Throw your arms up. Have some fun.

Actually I’ve been a girl in like four different video games so I think I know what it’s like OK.

When God made raccoons he was like do you want to be an old timey burglar or a trash digger. Too slow. You're both now.

I just jumped over a frog and made him look so stupid in front of like all of nature.

Free joke for rats: Pick up a cashew and pretend to use it as a phone.

I wish hot dogs were made out of the people that want to tell you what hot dogs are made out of.

Look I'm sorry about your lamp but automatic karate is a serious disease.

If I were homeless I’d just stay in my sleeping bag until I turned into a butterfly.

How about a salt shaker filled with snowflakes for when your food is too hot.

I told this girl I wrote a song about her but really I just copied a soup recipe and replaced some of the vegetables with her name.

If I ever wake up miniature I’m going to use a ravioli as a pillow and just go back to bed.

I wonder if Medusa ever cut loose and just scrunchied her snakes into a side pony.

Maybe your eyes are wrinkled and my shirt is just fine.

I bet the nerd who invented snow cones was like, “What if I told you guys we could quit throwing these at my face and still have fun?”

If you smoke while you're pregnant your baby comes out wearing a t-shirt and jeans looking cool as hell.

Ghost handwriting is so sloppy. What is this, blood? Lol. Get a pen.