You're hiking. Smokey the Bear appears smoking a cigar. He nods, flicks it into a pile of leaves and smiles, "No one will ever believe you."

This pizza looks like a pie chart of 100% good news.

What if firemen acted like policemen and just drove around shooting water at anyone who looked like they might catch on fire.

I accidentally left a blood orange next to a crip orange and now there’s fucking juice everywhere.

Next time you’re swallowed by a whale, stand up through the blowhole like it’s a sunroof on a limo. Throw your arms up. Have some fun.

When God made raccoons he was like do you want to be an old timey burglar or a trash digger. Too slow. You're both now.

Actually I’ve been a girl in like four different video games so I think I know what it’s like OK.

I just jumped over a frog and made him look so stupid in front of like all of nature.

If I were homeless I’d just stay in my sleeping bag until I turned into a butterfly.

I wish hot dogs were made out of the people that want to tell you what hot dogs are made out of.

Look I'm sorry about your lamp but automatic karate is a serious disease.

Free joke for rats: Pick up a cashew and pretend to use it as a phone.

How about a salt shaker filled with snowflakes for when your food is too hot.

If I ever wake up miniature I’m going to use a ravioli as a pillow and just go back to bed.

Pretty considerate of germs to count all the way to five before jumping on the food we drop.

I told this girl I wrote a song about her but really I just copied a soup recipe and replaced some of the vegetables with her name.

I wonder if Medusa ever cut loose and just scrunchied her snakes into a side pony.

Maybe your eyes are wrinkled and my shirt is just fine.

If you smoke while you're pregnant your baby comes out wearing a t-shirt and jeans looking cool as hell.

*pets cat*
*pets cat harder*
*strums cat like guitar*
*plugs cat into amp*
*takes cat on world tour*