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"I said I wanted more gold and a Frankenstein you dipshits. More like the three stupidmen if you ask me." - pissed off baby jesus
*checks mail* "Oh, this must be for you!" *hands JCPenney "cat"alog to the cat* "Hahahahaha" *falls out of chair*
"Friday? More like Onionringsday! Haha!" *pretends two onion rings are glasses* - me before i got my ass beat in the Denny's parking lot
The only reason I like this one girl that I work with is because she never complains about waiting on black people.
Started this account to network and better my career. Turns out potential employers don't want to know how many times you've shit your pants
I know a guy that has openly admitted to having sex with a chair and tasting his own shit. He is surprisingly good looking and charismatic.
"Yes playing Magic the Gathering is going to get you laid like fucking crazy." Me talking to 12 year old me
Just in case the world actually ends tomorrow I think we should go ahead and pick a place to meet up in hell.
Ross Dress for Less Toilet Bowl, Tue., Jan. 1, 8:30 p.m. EST, ESPN
Auburn vs. Opelika Middle School Bulldogs (Old K-Mart parking lot)
Slightly overweight girl at work's stretchmarks were showing. I counted them, she is eight.
"56. Go ahead, ask me another one. I know all of them." - me impressing some babe with multiplication tables
Two cats walk into a bar, play with the cord from the blinds and get shooed out with a broom. #funnyjokesthatacomedianwrote
Turns out the definition of "meantime" has nothing to do with me pounding on nerds. Words are hard.
"Give it to me straight doc."- my mom "No more monkeys jumping on the bed." - the doctor Thank you. *crowd goes wild*
"Dustin, nice to meet you." *moves hand into shaking position* "Buster." *slowly pulls hand back* "What?" "Buster." "I need to take a walk."
Well known liar and all around bad person. My belt size is equator and my blood type is hotdog water.
