Who are you reminded of when you eat dick? RT @kimkardashian Eating grapefruit 4 breakfast reminds me of my nana & papa!

.@bradpitt You should chop your dick off now

After taking 90 7-year-olds on a field trip to the Natural History Museum, I realized their favorite exhibit was "Elevator Buttons."

I'm old enough to remember when "America's Got Talent" was "The Gong Show"

You'd all think a lot differently about "Finding Nemo" if I told you "Nemo" was what Ellen named her strap-on.

Paris and Nicky Hilton posing with their mexican maid. pic.twitter.com/2W6TSonOI1

I left my heart in san francisco but my uterus fell out somewhere near poughkeepsie.

Ugh. #ProTip, a queer person NEVER has to apologize for staying in the closet. It’s their choice.

"How many blow jobs over the speed limit was I going Officer?"

FIND BEYONCE IN THE PICTURE pic.twitter.com/apoEvylGon

Hey kids, if someone’s pressuring you to drink alcohol or smoke weed, they’re not cool, they’re rad as hell and you should definitely do it

@dannyzuker You are doing the Lord's work. He used to be a (relatively) harmless character. Now it saddens me NBC employs him.

Jason Collins came out, is top trend on Twitter and Bill Clinton issued a statement. Should we tell kids it doesn't always happen like that?

It'll be so awesome when being gay isn't headline news anymore. #equality

I really don't think you're gonna need that U-Haul... I'm only moving you to the friend zone

same bit, different hay.
-horses

Do you remember when you'd go out and nobody could contact you until you got home?

I miss that.

"Is this delivery, nigger?" "No, nigger. It's DiGiorno." - DiGiorno Unchained

It seems silly that every ex-president gets a library. George W. Bush should've gotten a laser tag place or a bowling alley.

"And that's why I can't cum unless there's a gun in in my mouth. Anyway, enough about me, can I get ya'll started with some appetizers?"