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Turn around, bright eyes. *I give you the finger*
I changed my facebook status to "widowed" just to let any ghosts know that I'm DTF
You think things are bad now? Wait until we see the material written by the kids who grew up loving Family Guy.
I am so enraged I can't change the race of the saxophone emoji
When I was a film critic at the New York Times I ended every review with "But I never directed a movie and this guy did, so what do I know?"
Baz Luhrmann's making Great Gatsby in 3D, because those shirts are the most beautiful Daisy had ever seen FLYING INTO HER FACE!
I wish I had a cat. It's not the same singing "Lady in Red" to a pile of cushions.
When I figure out which comedians are dating from overlapping anecdotes on unrelated podcasts I feel like Hercule Goddamned Poirot
I didn't watch Mitt's concession. He just sang "Daisy" I assume.
The Rothko prints in the doctor waiting room are less reassuring when you know he overdosed on antidepressants and sliced open his wrists
Hi 900 people I just followed. Thank you for not being Indonesian teenagers. If I start getting spam messages again, you're all fired.
HIPSTER ANIMALS: A Field Guide out 9/22; pre-order online now
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