I'm worried I won't be a good mother because when I used to play Sims I would always drown everyone in the pool.

You guys I found this new great birth control called pregnant women posting pictures on Facebook.

I accidentally bought glitter lotion. My hands look like I just jerked off a unicorn.

They don't make mens lingerie because it would just be a paper bag with Ryan Gosling's face taped to it.

I just faked my own death to test my dog and see if he would pull a Lassie and do something heroic but all he did was lick his balls.

I don't give second chances unless you're a bagel bite that burned my mouth, in that case, infinity chances.

I like to call my naps "happy nappys" because it's cute and I'm going to die alone. lol

it's like you guys aren't even worried about Ja Rule

Next time you're on a date and someone asks "Is that your boyfriend or your brother?" smile really creepy and whisper "Both".

Driving would be so much better if I could shoot red turtle shells at other cars to get them out of my way.

Have someone ejaculate on your chest, throw glitter on your face and voila! You are Ke$ha for Halloween.

Apparently if you want to work at Taco Bell you have to shave off your eyebrows and draw them back on with a sharpie.

My friend got pissed when I dropped something and tried to use the 5 second rule. But she needs to get over it her baby is fine.

I bet you anything Wilson purposely floated away because Tom Hanks wouldn't shut the fuck up.

The "People You May Know" feature should be renamed "People Who Were Assholes To Me In High School".

I'll start pronouncing Colonel "right" when you SHOW ME WHERE THE FUCKING R IS

I wish hating myself burned calories.

Sorry to break it to you Snoop Dogg but we're all just gonna keep calling you Snoop Dogg.

Letting my tampon string hang out of my shorts so all the guys with dreads at Trader Joe's will know I'm in heat.

Made some eggs today. WITH MY OVARIES BECAUSE MY BODY IS AMAZING! jk being a woman sucks