Hopefully I can livetweet my night of catty girl bullshit after 500000 gin and tonics.

I'm all for tasteless jokes but this is not a time for tasteless jokes.

*Note: I have 3 days of innkeeping left before I leave it for the lucrative career of hanging out with other people's dogs.

I quit drinking awhile ago. Which I don't recommend because your life gets about 200% more boring and you remember every second of it.

How do you nicely tell someone that their mouth smells like a 6 month old diaper found in a pile of rotting lobster carcasses?

Sandy you bitch. You made my hair frizzy. #livetweetingSandy

Starting to eat all of the food in my house so the wind gusts can't knock me over. #emergencypreparedness #livetweetingSandy

Guys there's a tree branch crackling outside my window but I'm too lazy to get up thanks to beer. #LivetweetingSandy

Someone just told me my boobs are too big for me to be an Olympic gymnast so now I've lost my will to live.

My day was just made so much better. I've learned that I am REALLY excellent at spraying cooking spray in my eyes.

My favorite part of the internet is when old people don't understand jargon

Hey anyone thinking about becoming an #Innkeeper: Consider the fact that I just held my pee for 7 hours because I was too busy.

Do you ever feel like you might accidentally punch your mom in the face on purpose? Yeah, me neither #onlyondaysthatendwithy

I always forget that the summertime is when all the creepy fuckwads show their heads cuz the ladies are wearing less clothes.

I'm really proud of you people who bitch at each other on the internet

When I meet honeymooners I always want to say: "Statistically, you're going to get a divorce."

Today I am the poster child for anti motivation. A slovenly, lazy, skinny bitch.

Saving money to send your dog to bootcamp totally blows when you have an insatiable thirst for beer.

Facebook is being methodically turned into "Mombook"

And who answers "have you seen a hurt duck?" With "is it your pet duck?" #idiots