I like women how I like my Swiss cheese: bland, relatively odorless, and with a variety of holes I can put my tongue in.

One night some teenagers drew a penis and some sperm on my car window with window chalk but I didn't wash it off because I support the arts.

Trying to lose some weight so I can start going to the gym again.

If we evolved the ability to read minds, we'd just end up beating each other to death before we could procreate and we'd go extinct.

Whenever I see super hot chick in a Walmart, I just assume she's there to get her Valtrex prescription refilled.

I would rob a bank, but I don't think I could handle hearing the eyewitness descriptions of me on the local news.

Whenever I see a food item at the grocery store that describes itself as "Homestyle", I assume it tastes bland and has cat hair in it.

Before you marry someone, take a long, hard look at how they treat the people they hate because that could be you one day.

The women here love country boys. Too bad the only thing remotely country about me is my appreciation for a well executed reverse cowgirl.

I'm attracted to women who attract weirdos. I'm sure it's just a coincidence.

Nicknames are a lot easier to come up with when you hate the person.

I’m not winning life. I accept that. Now I’m shooting for a Certificate of Participation, and I’m totally getting that fucker framed.

Hey, chicks with glasses: I want to fuck the myopia out of you.

It would really make my day if some random woman came up to me, firmly grasped my left ass cheek, and whispered "Oh yeah. Mama likey."

Hey married chicks, I'm the wrong person to be venting to about your husbands. My response everytime will be "Did you try sucking his dick?"

Got some Easter Pop Rocks on clearance because I heard you can do fun sex things with them. So, yeah, I ate them in the car on the way home.

I want to lick this entire can of frosting off of your naked body because sitting here alone and eating it with a spoon would be pathetic.

I'm going to bed so I can get up to go to my job to make money to pay the student loan that got me the job I'm going to bed for. Plz kill me

My 12 wants a fauxhawk. My 19 is a Creationist. My 21 lives on my couch and drinks my beer. Hey, Charlie Sheen! I have a new sitcom for you!

I'm looking forward to the day it becomes socially acceptable for people besides babies and mob guys to wear a bib.