We should all switch genitalia for the day...

Boys can finally figure out how ours works & girls can dress up their dongs in tiny outfits.

I need to work on my "please don't talk to me" face.
Apparently, it's shockingly similar to my "tell me every random thought you have" face.

Yoga.

Because boys like bendy.

I have no idea who unfollows me or why.
I simply don't care.

This party is way too much fun to stand at the door giving exit interviews.

The calmer I appear, the more dangerous I am.

I love people who star my tweets. The rest of you, not so much...

Hey Team Follow Back:

Unless you want to be Team Punched In The Sack, back the fuck up.

Nobody's interested in your hash tag cluster fuck

I'm starting to think the ability to stay silent is a sign of intelligence.

Listen dude, we all know that "bisexual" is just a rest stop on the way to Gay Town.
It's really simple. Either you suck dick or you don't.

People who struggle along, without ever asking for help, are the ones who would give you the shirt off their back.

Givers are never takers.

I love water.

Especially when it's frozen and surrounded by vodka.

I don't understand the appeal of young men.

Jackrabbit missionary sex isn't worth the time it takes to get naked.

You have no idea what pain someone is trying to deal with, in their heart.

Be nice.

That is one thing that's never a mistake...

The worst part of working for myself is that my boss is a complete asshole.

Real love isn't a mind fuck.

It's simply genuinely accepting and adoring someone for exactly who they are, not who you'd like them to be.

I'm sorry that you don't like being called a dumb fuck, but in all honesty, I really don't like you acting like one either...

Angry people pick fights.

Don't reward their bad behavior by participating.

They can't even control themselves, why let them control you?

My milkshake brings all the gold chain wearing, old ass men rocking track suits without shirts, to the yard.

Clearly, it's a gift.

Nearly all conflicts in life can be solved by a nap, a cocktail or simply staring at someone until they give up & walk away.

I think you guys are funny.

But, before you get too excited about that, I think I'm funny too...