Relax... I don't hate you.

I hate your random thoughts shared in a 140 character format.

Yoga.

Because boys like bendy.

Truthful Tuesday:

I'd rather hear a detailed description of your week long bout w/diarrhea than a syllable about your political viewpoint.

I'm starting to think the ability to stay silent is a sign of intelligence.

Dear Michael Douglas,

Please keep your deadly oral acrobatics on a need to know, old man.
It's TMI.

Sincerely,
People who like the sex

Don't let having very little information keep you from forming an opinion & forcing it on others.

It stars the tweets or it gets the hose again.

I'm in love with a cupcake.

True story.

If you don't call it Sexy Time and shoot your finger guns, you're probably not me.

*pew pew, pew pew pew*

I have no idea who unfollows me or why.
I simply don't care.

This party is way too much fun to stand at the door giving exit interviews.

For my friend, @clearlyunwell:

We all want happiness.
Out of a soul comes happiness.
You just need to focus.

 http://FunnyOrDie.com/m/77p9 

We should all switch genitalia for the day...

Boys can finally figure out how ours works & girls can dress up their dongs in tiny outfits.

Want to be a rebel?


Think.

I know so many cool chicks...

It's just kind of a bummer they all live in my phone.

Seducing a man is extremely easy...
Unless, of course, you don't know how to say hi.

(I said, Fine ass white boy.)

#StreetCredIntact

To be honest, I like the idea of you more than the actual you.

I only RT subtweets about me.

People who struggle along, without ever asking for help, are the ones who would give you the shirt off their back.

Givers are never takers.

Top 10 Ways I Know It's My Birthday:

3. I got to spit on a birthday cake, then make nice people eat it.