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Her: Your creepy, you sleep with your eyes open.
Me: I'm creepy? You stare at people when they're fuckin' sleeping.
Getting a comment deleted on Facebook followed by a text calling you an asshole is like getting a Tweet of the Day on Twitter in my book.
Having more people following you on Twitter then the friends you have on Facebook means a lot more people you don't know, know the REAL you.
Being Latino, straight, 31yo & never been married & no kids pretty much puts me in mythical creature category right next to the Chupacabra.
Couples who share a Facebook are
A)Weirdo's who wear matching outfits
B)Psycho's who check each others phones
C)Idiots who belong together
I wish mirrors and pictures would get together already and agree on what I really look like.
How can women say men are insensitive, when all we want to know how you feel on the inside.
We're all about your warm slippery feelings.
Being 30 I don't lie about my age.
When asked How old are you? I say I turned 29 a year & half ago
Not my fault no one fuckin' likes Math
If you don't have a memory of yourself doing something dumb that makes you cringe every time you think of it, then be prepared it's coming.
If you wear sunglasses indoors or at night your either:
B) A Douchebag
C) A Douchebag
D) Cory Hart and A Douchebag
I bet people who still buy porn at the store also write a check to pay for it, and then ride away in their horse carriage.
When she said "I like to use Carmax on my lips."
My brain said "it's Carmex"
My penis said "shhh, she's hot"
My mouth said "me too"
There needs to be an app where you shake your phone & say "You fucking piece of shit" and it actual makes it run faster & better.
I'm starting a Mariachi Aerosmith Cover band and calling it Los Cool-Aeros and doing songs like 'Walk This Guey' & 'Juanita's Got a Gun'.
There's a fine line between being rude and being honest that I usually tend to zigzag across.
You can take back all the I love you's and the I miss you's and but you can never take back all the times my camera has seen you naked.
Apparently its frowned upon to "make it rain" while contributing to the collection plate at this Catholic Church. Like my money ain't green.
Her: Stop putting what I say on Twitter
Me: Ok I'll stop
Her: Seriously don't
Me: I won't
(What? She's not even on Twitter)
One of my biggest fears is finding out that the person I just married was the smelly kid in class or the paste eater.
I drank so much Tequila last night that after a blowjob my girl asked me for a lime & salt.
The older I get the more cantankerously awesome I get. Instagam: e_Rodriguez_