OBAMA: Clearly, the earth acted stupidly.

That awkward moment when you walk into a public restroom and you have to use the urinal between two female Chinese swimmers.

When aliens invade our planet they'll be able to take over without a shot fired because we'll assume it's a Lady Gaga + Nicki Minaj concert.

I refuse to take Anne Geddes seriously as an artist until she recreates the siege of Helm's Deep using nothing but babies.

The vast majority of smartcar thefts by hawks who mistake them for fancy hamsters go unreported.

As a kid, my parents’ open door policy was pretty traumatizing.

Birthers respond: We want to see a picture of Obama's head crowning with a maternity nurse holding up a Hawaiian newspaper.

Clap ooooooonnnnnnn
Clap off
Clap ooooooonnnnnnn
Clap off
Clap ooooooonnnnnnn
Clap off
(Clapper installed on a CFL light)

That’ll do, pig. #CandyHeartRejects

If you met someone in real life who talked like an NPR host, you'd assume they had a homemade human skin suit in their closet.

If a bunch of states secede, we’ll have to start paying tariffs on beef jerky. Dial it down, windowlickers.

If any kids make it past my Mogwai-blasting speaker gauntlet, they deserve a Halloween beer.

From the looks I'm getting, it seems these noise-canceling headphones don't work on farts.

Here's a link to my favorite REM song:

Someday we’ll all look back on this and laugh, in Chinese.

@hale_razor 100% of current US Presidents think Austrians speak Austrian.

I’m so hungry I could unknowingly eat a horsemeat lasagna.

My church is being protested Sunday by the Westboro Baptist Church for being a “whorehous disguised as a church”. Must be the early service.

My wife is really into role-playing. Tonight, she’s dressed as Woman In Sweatpants With A Headache. #hot

"Hey, sit down! You make a better door than a window." - Jim Morrison's Dad.