Wake up conservatives, ALL marriages are fucking gay.

"To bean or not to bean, that is the quack-stion." --A duck thinking about beans

I'm not convinced I'm mature enough to be allowed inside Victoria's Secret. I mean if this raging boner is any indication...

Check this tweet! "What if your 100 y/o landlord was also your grandma? Grandma Landlord, a new comedy about grandmas, this Fall on CBS."

Girls with iPhones in the back pocket of your jeans: keep doing what you're doing.

Accidentally blew a snot bubble out of my nose on the way to work, so my new goal for the day is to NEVER EVER EVER do that again ever.

On the Venn diagram of "People I Respect vs. People That Double-Click Hyperlinks", the area of overlap is veeeeeery small, indeed.

If I were on MST3K, all my commentary would be, "Haha, oh dang!"

Is your dad a butcher? Because you're a fucking cow. #worstpickuplines

I wish I were better at Twitter. Sometimes I wait too long between tweets and get nervous about making another one. Overthinking things :(

Know when you're trying to squeeze that last bit of pee out so hard that you fart? Sometimes I feel like that's a good analogy for my life.

I bet if you accuse Kanye West of farting, he denies it and gets super mad

Never seen Indecent Proposal, but I bet it would be way better if someone changed all the instances of "million" in the script to "hundred"

Stop emoting like a bunch of idiots, PS22

Definitely recommend that everyone check out Def Leppard - Pour Some Sugar On Me. Very catchy chorus!

Community Garden #hipstersitcoms

Weird that toilet seats are such a popular place for gang tags. I'd want to write my name on something besides a hole designed to be shit in

Thank you for reviewing my resume. Please contact me on my MUD at dforces.net:5000, or on Usenet at alt.polyamory.triads

Keep forgetting that my new catchphrase is "Daddy like"

Epiphany: put the hash brown on the Egg McMuffin.