It kind of makes me sad that my zip code will probably never be a tv show.

This day needs less citric and more acid.

I think I'll take up jogging 2day if the weather looks good. Yuck, it looks horrible so nevr mind. Hahaha! U actually believed me? No? Oh ☹

So I'm sitting in my car drinking because my best sound system is here. Is that a win or a fail?

Whenever someone uses a word that I wouldn't use, I always immediately check their location.

I wish my tweets brought more stars to the yard

Wow, you guys are here/funny even when I'm not... I had no idea. Well, now I have to quit my job so I don't miss anything. On twitter.

Do u ever worry that something weird IRL might happen & u might have to "please read out loud what you said here on twitter" to the court?

We are supposed to have the "worst snow storm in 7 years". Sounds lucky to me.

DAMN TWITTER!! Reading you instead of sleeping! Oh wait, I don't have a job-I can just sleep all day. Whew! That was close...

May is National Photograph Month. Its also National Blackmail Month. Coincidence? We think not. Disclaimer: In no way has this been verified

A nice complete stranger bought me an ice cream cone today.

Unrelated: I just saw a pretty purple shiney unicorn.

Knock, knock. Who's there? The universe. The universe who? DON'T QUESTION ME, I'M THE FUCKING UNIVERSE!!!!

I hate it when my nose tickles when I'm using my vibrator. Wait, am I doing this right?

Sleeping in isn't nearly as fun if you failed to get out of bed the previous day.

How is it even possible, people still can't seem to grasp the "fast lane" concept? Asking 4 drivers who get run off the road "accidentally".

Does Blondie get royalties every time someone mentions rapture?

I hate it when I accidentally hit my "retweets of me", its embarrassingly blank.

So how does this drafts folder thing work that you guys keep talking about, does it come pre filled or what?

Burger King just started their commercial off with, "beef. meet flame". That makes me feel...??? Well, I'm not sure but not right.