Can someone please turn down the stupid? It is deafening.

I have thought long and hard about this, and though it may be hard to believe, I'm pretty sure I want my full time job to be vacation.

Trying to not read too much into the fact that my iPhone did NOT autocorrect "begroom" to "bedroom."

"We do at Daddy's house..." If I hear this one more time, I may burn down Daddy's house. Wait. I'm still paying for Daddy's house.Nevermind.

I have been awake for 32 consecutive hours and feel weird.But I think it's okay because fondue whiplash fiery donkey fish scale quirk.

I should probably tape my mouth shut today. A move toward job preservation.

I'm not totally sure when lack of sleep results in death, but I have a hunch I may find out.

No offense to any educators out there, but I'd like to stab my daughter's principal in the throat with my stiletto.

OH on the beach just now: Q: "Does this bathing suit make me look fat?" A: "No, but the dimples in your ass do."

2nd call from the sitter today: "Are the dogs allowed to jump on the trampoline?" (I left a meeting to answer this one.)

So, Reduced Fat White Cheddar Cheez-Its, huh? More like ass-flavored tiny squares of make-me-puke snack crackers.

"Anger can be overcome with the virtues of patience and self-control."

Crap. I'm so fucked.

I'm going to take a little nap. Someone wake me up when people are smart. Kay?

As a baseball broadcast commentator, don't you know better than to use the words "wet ballsack?"

Coming up with a nice way to tell someone you hate their fucking guts is harder than you might think.

I'm eating icing from a can. Some fell on my toe. I licked it off. Sort of a sad existence is mine.

Tiny, yellow stuffed canary? Check. Sock Monkey? Check. Little Lambie? Check. Weird blue stuffed thing? Check. Kid tuck-in ritual? Check.

I should not be permitted to use flammable liquids or motorized machinery. Related: Fuck off neighbor. The yard is FINE!

Answer: My living room carpet and a Polar Express snow globe. Question: What are two things that make me ponder how dog digestion works?

Who would like to mow my lawn today? I can pay you a week's worth of dog shit, but you'll have to run about collecting it from said lawn.