#Rmoney may have won tonight, but there's still a long road ahead. Let's get the #Roementum going. Go @buddyroemer!

If you go to call AT&T and accidentally dial 888 instead of 866, it's a sex hotline. You're welcome, I guess.

Eyeing my galoshes quizzically, are you? You'll remember me with envy this afternoon when it's pouring, flip-flop wearer.

Sitting next to a 60-year-old man who is reading 50 Shades of Grey is far and away the most uncomfortable thing that's ever happened to me.

When I kick a rock while walking, I yell, "NO, COME BACK, I WAS JUST KIDDING". Only children carry a heavy burden.

@140elect @foxnews @wsj I don't care what the tag is. Just have @buddyroemer up there. #LetBuddyDebate and let Cain and Bachmann go already.

The world's been Pope-less for several days now. How about we keep this up for the next 5 billion years?

If you "press on" a public restroom faucet once, you'll have enough time to wash a single finger. "Press on" twice, enough time to shower.

That's why America should elect @buddyroemer. No PACs. RT @johnfugelsang: You can't stand up for Main St if you're on all fours for Wall St.

This fluffy little girl needs a foster family. If you're in NJ/NY and can take her in, please contact @libertyhumanejc. http://t.co/E9JQ2voH

@buddyroemer @electroemer Not sure if you've seen this, but it may help your followers understand the issue more. http://t.co/PUHoGB8F

#FF @admiralakbrown She is the only employee on the 'Family Guy' payroll who is criminally underfollowed.

Unemployment pro tip: Since Modern Warfare 3 is now out, there will be half as much competition for jobs during the next month. Get on it!

"I have 6 roommates which are better than friends, you know, because they have to give you one months' notice before they leave." #TheOffice

Monday recycling day is fun. I judge all of my neighbors' choices. Coors Light and rosé? Flunked.

Life lesson: children suck at playing Angry Birds quietly while you sleep another 20 minutes.

The people at this Rush show are exactly the people you expect to see at a Rush show. Plus me, @mypolishface, and @brianvalentine.

I block people who tweet links to Jezebel or XO Jane. The Onion is more accurate than that petty, mouth-breathing drivel.

If you walk out of Target having spent less than $300, you must be broke and sobbing like me.

Desperation: Buying earrings in the drugstore while chick in front of me cries over giving her boyfriend an ultimatum. Good luck to us both.