Osama Bin Laden: 5284 Kills, 1 Death. Fucking Camper

You could say I'm a post-modern vegetarian. I eat meat ironically.

@rawwhore DON'T make jokes about the holocaust. My granddad died in it. He got drunk and fell out of a guard tower.

There are no skeletons in my closet. Just a black latex dildo suit.

@wtfsexfacts "HEADLINE - Strip search finds crack between buttocks".

No, I don't like annoying people. I like annoying arrogant fuckers like you.

Twitter's been mentioned on TV. WE'RE FAMOUS, PEOPLE.

WHERE IS YOUR ONE DIRECTION NOW MOTHERFUCKERS?

I don't understand why anyone would watch a program about fat people. They're fat. We get it. I don't need to see someone lifted by a crane.

They found...THE CLITORIS. I used to treat it like a roundabout. I didn't like to bring it up, I though it may have been a boating accident.

Laxative adverts: why not just come out and say it? "These help you shit."

Why is local combat training not working on Black Ops 2? It hasn't for weeks.

(-(-(-(-(-(-.-)-)-)-)-)-)

Chinese Mafia is watching you.

I've seen too much offensive material on twitter recently. In the interest of decency, here is a picture of a toy duck http://t.co/cqQOvAD9

I'm a total fucking geek.

You'd better watch out, you'd better not cry, you'd better not tense, I'm tellin' you why, Gary Glitter's comin' to town.

I don't mean to come across as a cynical moron, but I am, so that's how it comes across.

We've come for your liver.

Only an idiot would steal this tweet.

I have just heard an R&B version of Imagine. Everyone just go and kill yourselves. It's over. They've won.