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  • egg_dog
      egg dog @egg_dog

    “google d-dildoes…” i whisper to siri “GOOGLIN BIG OL DILDOES!!” screams the phone, smashing windows in a 9mile radius & flipping over cars

    • 2,973
    • FAVS
    TrillDickardsonAllieCat54brantley_dickThriftCarolineALF_from_TVChicagoSteve13sarahwaltronAdorbsCorbs
    • 1,541
    • RETWEETS
    aDancHozbrantley_dickChicagoSteve13TimmyPumpkinUncleSmacksPaperWashshazaam6LeeptheSneak
    sevendeadlywinsYasmeenMSMrSpoonicornloveletterbombsSimon_BarrettTurdIdiot________milkhugsweird_hugs________Breterbies
  • egg_dog
      egg dog @egg_dog

    HEY GRAPEFRUIT, know what else is a grape AND a fruit? GRAPES. yeah. so get your own name you citrus idiot

    • 2,213
    • FAVS
    RocketsauceJoeBradNewsBearsMoCityDommeSoHoymeChloestyloAshTheCanuckbrdgeitSimin1239
    • 2,085
    • RETWEETS
    rednetwork306HpHubertmarleeeezyMoCityDomariccisnerosTheIronSherkHiSocietyLoLifeDrugFreeTrippyy
    PaperWashLeeMifsudYasmeenMSjonnysunMrSpoonicorn
  • egg_dog
      egg dog @egg_dog

    imagine a reverse pizza. the missing hole on the table where the pizza is meant to be. everything else is pizza. the solar system. the air.

    • 2,003
    • FAVS
    tinylilbugPaperWashroyaltycoinscouchdefilerchristinawilderfauxpaslogyPrincessMopsyIVdollypartisan
    • 1,692
    • RETWEETS
    meltedchapstictread_heavyschoolboycluginguhstoneintheswordTheToastedOnesMadisonKiblingjoetheyetti
    badtweetinggavinpivottrzarosco
  • egg_dog
      egg dog @egg_dog

    sir this ouija board is broken, it keeps spellin stuff like 'wah hoo!' and 'lets a-go!' "hmm it looks like youve bought a luigi board, pal"

    • 1,880
    • FAVS
    PaperWashbenpva16Dah_Butlahandrea_jenkinsangrysqlcatwomannaltMaggieWestfallman_on_the_m0on
    • 1,739
    • RETWEETS
    pearce_barrynesdudeangrysqlpestophagousman_on_the_m0onronswanson420mootypebblesslutwitch94
    AdamOfEarthrobfeealien_sushiakacrispyiRowlfSimon_BarrettMcSwtrvst
  • egg_dog
      egg dog @egg_dog

    thrown out of cop school for writing 'whos that pokemon' next to all the chalk outlines

    • 1,569
    • FAVS
    TickTockBANGDaftPunkandLovespacegloveRefinageNilkM_E_T_R_OlucysophiakDanGudmundsen87corybiggar
    • 1,051
    • RETWEETS
    TickTockBANGRefinageNilkerikjodkoTroyCapybaraTh3CakeIsALieKnockKnockGooseamnxietymaddinewton_
    sunfiltershutupheavDamnItsTrillProfBoomHatchdavedittell
  • egg_dog
      egg dog @egg_dog

    viagra is caps lock for ur dick

    • 1,308
    • FAVS
    PaperWashLeeptheSneakjasmachinePrincessMopsyIV50ShadeOfBrowneStylinRylanBeiberGirl03arielsigh
    • 1,207
    • RETWEETS
    StylinRylanBeiberGirl03arielsighratcasketsickvinedropIveBennettDezzyDerpamgleggos
    SpencerLenoxdog_as_helldinogorenice_mustard
  • egg_dog
      egg dog @egg_dog

    “lets take this club to the next level!” the dj shouted. unfortunately the next level was a boss stage and most of us died

    • 1,114
    • FAVS
    PaperWashjasgrenDah_ButlahHayyumsLeeptheSneakRunaway_Jellybillpage2012Satsuma117
    • 884
    • RETWEETS
    LeeptheSneakMacklemorisseyPrincessMopsyIVChrAWESOMEtheartofbreakngarielsighanimatedGeoffratcasket
    AceMakesWordscholesteroIPajamaBen_PurpleDaemon
  • egg_dog
      egg dog @egg_dog

    supermarketes become so much more terrifying if you find a product with the word ‘instant’ and replaec it with ‘sudden’

    • 941
    • FAVS
    PaperWashaol_irlkeltar93EstebandagreatiamjoekovacsRainbowKohlWildeThingyshutupheav
    • 719
    • RETWEETS
    keltar93EstebandagreatRainbowKohlshutupheavhexgirlfriend_elliottburrowthirty_secondsailingDiamond
    _Jim_FearAmSockAceMakesWordsthefurlinator
  • egg_dog
      egg dog @egg_dog

    *sneaks out of church & pulls soggy communion wafer out from mouth and adds it to the ball* dont worry jesus youll be back with us soon

    • 1,029
    • FAVS
    kristian517PaperWashDah_Butlahcallum_stanfordCallieLembkekeviniscoolestTheVictasticKkeltar93
    • 451
    • RETWEETS
    andrew_salamoneAJ_SadowskikylegperriBrewskercesarAalvarezmelonchuckcoolhands_lukeBigRedKraut
  • egg_dog
      egg dog @egg_dog

    "siri i want 2 get up at 8 oclock"
    u've bought a potato clock
    "no siri the TIME 8 oclock"
    u've bought a tomato clock
    "si…"
    u bought 100 eggs

    • 768
    • FAVS
    PaperWashBounse44LuvPugDJ_JazzyJustinfauxpaslogyluperkatiafamoushorseelbowdude
    • 538
    • RETWEETS
    Paula_CheshireE23positivityItsJyotiDJ_JazzyJustinMariusStefi247sattar_abdKesseibiwarrickstrydom
    jonnysun
  • egg_dog
      egg dog @egg_dog

    turn your pants inside out, then the whole world is your butt and dick

    • 752
    • FAVS
    hapbtwankdankertonarielsighSnakessekanSanimatedGeoffaol_irlkeltar93shutupheav
    • 449
    • RETWEETS
    hapbtratcasketshutupheavkassandrajaeHells_Belle2CordeliaMcAdamsYayForAnxietysunfilter
    AmSock_Jim_Fearrobdelaney
  • egg_dog
      egg dog @egg_dog

    if u milk a cows shadow u get pepsi

    • 726
    • FAVS
    keltar93coolhands_lukeme_rule_Ishutupheavbasktballsarahthejhurstlachymbrownavarella21
    • 462
    • RETWEETS
    coolhands_lukeshutupheavthestateofmeganjerkitcityAlex_The_LoweCalTomkinsking_david92dogwitahat
  • egg_dog
      egg dog @egg_dog

    im on a see boob diet. i see boob, i.e tit

    • 749
    • FAVS
    Dah_Butlahaol_irlkeltar93l1ll1llldanjan13betsykrockerleonamccrea99rownage
    • 367
    • RETWEETS
    tooradforyouhopyardmathisonFish4EDMshutupheavClassicKimbasteveyknightdanileebajahoolopy
    electrolemonherrsturmKMdhcdinogore
  • egg_dog
      egg dog @egg_dog

    petition to rename sausages 'pigarettes'

    • 570
    • FAVS
    combatoperaTotal_BadassbotandyturdfailurejazmastabertboxingAndLive2LoveJPYVKI
    • 486
    • RETWEETS
    CoxesOPNiclas1976softabananercarlberyeurdroontNessMudkipHarveyWendonkyleswiss
  • egg_dog
      egg dog @egg_dog

    those bread ends u hate? theyre bread parenthesis w/out them thered b bread everywhere no way to stop it wed b fucked trapped in bread hell

    • 575
    • FAVS
    keltar93EstebandagreatiamjoekovacsdeeeebagSeannMorganDrakspermatozoazackarihannaahlgren
    • 369
    • RETWEETS
    sharkdazetildabosonkristallkaosEmmaAlamaaarkadeldJakobJarnhandcindyyhindyyL0LA_X
    BuckyIsotope
  • egg_dog
      egg dog @egg_dog

    if a dog is making an butt rub circle on the floor Do Not stop him! the dogge is creating a protective rune on that will save u from wizards

    • 446
    • FAVS
    maggers_picreatemarcshutupheavWhoopdeedoo22PhilthysaurusbotandytomastheEREL83
    • 349
    • RETWEETS
    shutupheavemmyupphoffinget_pronomenhejyonsajekwBestXXXcessorySanneVirvasoundandvision
    sam_reginaldwimpsicle
  • egg_dog
      egg dog @egg_dog

    “honey let me see” i exclaim at my weeping wife. i finally manaeg to get the pregnancey test off her.i look downe & see the reading. ‘wasps’

    • 492
    • FAVS
    Dah_Butlahkeltar93iamjoekovacsMassbass100fakegoldeggsharkdazeBromanConsuljazmasta
    • 255
    • RETWEETS
    sharkdazeRoelof_PrinssuperWEEninjabrain_bleedTheVictasticKchelsesaurusrexianxdavidfruitbatob
    chelsesaurusrex
  • egg_dog
      egg dog @egg_dog

    i asked the dentist to maek my teeth straight & white & now i haev a bunch of republicans for teethe. also i think te dentistt was a wizarde

    • 432
    • FAVS
    neckponytailPrincessMopsyIVtheartofbreakngHelloGalloarielsighnerd_cop__________animatedGeoffkeltar93
    • 251
    • RETWEETS
    PrincessMopsyIVarielsighhelenkirkyratcasketLUV2YIFFDraszmannSamxClayundeuxtroiscat
  • egg_dog
      egg dog @egg_dog

    'belieave in yourselv and you can achieve anything' pic.twitter.com/DVk70UHG

    • 376
    • FAVS
    keltar93iamjoekovacsfrogsyfrogKylec15_tomwadeAndLive2Loveallie_kat__littlestp123
    • 287
    • RETWEETS
    Donutron_superWEEninjaJamesIkeguchibreadman13wjsbadass_yogakreekreekreepelijah_michaelfstanley
  • egg_dog
      egg dog @egg_dog

    remember when stephen king ate some bird seed and evolved into stephen hawk king?

    • 323
    • FAVS
    Whoopdeedoo22botandyfakegoldeggSharksOnCouchesjazmastamrozekyAndLive2Lovemrt1m
    • 316
    • RETWEETS
    Kylec15superWEEninjacholesteroIca_me_manqueLyonTwin1spiringcrazyllamalovinsTLeqs
@egg_dog

@egg_dog

egg isn't cheese - @luckystubbs, 2014