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  • egg_dog
      egg garfunkle @egg_dog

    HEY GRAPEFRUIT, know what else is a grape AND a fruit? GRAPES. yeah. so get your own name you citrus idiot

    • 4,563
    • FAVS
    BryonyCloudGavinMorris5RealPRWdanger_spousenicolenoelxxcutesquasherimneetiiSheck03
    • 3,459
    • RETWEETS
    heeeyarnoldRealPRWConnorBBrown_CosmicFunk_ReamsicleAlliReagandanger_spousejjjunebugjones
    earfdaeHome_HalfwayPaperWashLeeMifsudYasmeenMSjonnysunMrSpoonicorn
  • egg_dog
      egg garfunkle @egg_dog

    “google d-dildoes…” i whisper to siri “GOOGLIN BIG OL DILDOES!!” screams the phone, smashing windows in a 9mile radius & flipping over cars

    • 3,575
    • FAVS
    wastemanhMullinKjmaddiedrisTangoWangoMangothejodiestalexisannejonesmycubiesaysJonnyHarvey3
    • 1,769
    • RETWEETS
    LiterallyHellShaneSpieringTangoWangoMangoCBerczalexisannejonesJonnyHarvey3CorinNF7lifesupport
    sevendeadlywins__YasmeenMSMrSpoonicornloveletterbombsSimon_BarrettTurdIdiot________fontiagoweird_hugs________Breterbies
  • egg_dog
      egg garfunkle @egg_dog

    sir this ouija board is broken, it keeps spellin stuff like 'wah hoo!' and 'lets a-go!' "hmm it looks like youve bought a luigi board, pal"

    • 2,065
    • FAVS
    aaronupiamgenghiskhan_DemetriusmutilatedmalicekennzzzzoGraysonG263stinkwaddtyjno
    • 1,826
    • RETWEETS
    mutilatedmalicekennzzzzoDAIROCKETTOFrost_SamuraiRydog57jacobTisRadtyjnoalexinafewwords
    Home_HalfwayAdamOfEarthrobfeealien_sushiakacrispyiRowlfSimon_BarrettMcSwtrvst
  • egg_dog
      egg garfunkle @egg_dog

    imagine a reverse pizza. the missing hole on the table where the pizza is meant to be. everything else is pizza. the solar system. the air.

    • 2,028
    • FAVS
    DinostampedeQuadricycleWordMorrisaaron_nanavsroriekellyalexwmdShikkokuNoRenyaABCBTom
    • 1,714
    • RETWEETS
    ParkerJonathonDinostampedeZeppoWilburyjacobTisRadCelsoPiazzidrcakeyelenuvienLostPhrack
    Benesh_gavinpivottKarate_Horse
  • egg_dog
      egg garfunkle @egg_dog

    i really hate it when my housemates put the toilet roll on the wrong way pic.twitter.com/82iXp3ZjHa

    • 1,968
    • FAVS
    MattCaffrey1998Playing_DadEmieIRoelof_Prinscharlie_annehAndLive2Lovegreg_mattsonPhilipKyle
    • 1,169
    • RETWEETS
    Roelof_PrinsEamonnMulveeAndLive2LovesaluboyKyleRancourtKennethArthuRSselmatheredskecr8r
  • egg_dog
      egg garfunkle @egg_dog

    thrown out of cop school for writing 'whos that pokemon' next to all the chalk outlines

    • 1,582
    • FAVS
    soullessburgerapopagasm__shirinhazofforeverkebnkrumpbattlejeffswarenssheschi
    • 1,059
    • RETWEETS
    KevinBMorrisonRydog57WOBDUFFETGen_ki_OHSophomoronicGiannekonLucidius134DerekReinbold
    sunfiltershutupheavDamnItsTrillProfBoomHatchdavedittell
  • egg_dog
      egg garfunkle @egg_dog

    viagra is caps lock for ur dick

    • 1,365
    • FAVS
    EvanVSTheWorldDerpicalAciiviAshleyslairj140pdominic_spiritoBatardNoirusrnmentavlbeunderyourbed666
    • 1,242
    • RETWEETS
    AstralideAshleyslairFuckMarkyHaxbyDaxtonunderyourbed666dominic_spiritoBatardNoirDickstracted__
    SpencerLenoxsteeIbaIIrundinogorenice_mustard
  • egg_dog
      egg garfunkle @egg_dog

    “lets take this club to the next level!” the dj shouted. unfortunately the next level was a boss stage and most of us died

    • 1,129
    • FAVS
    mawoopyPoxie_pixieRJMurphskyofdiamondsschkilroystephsyphaxStacySyphaxHiddenPinky
    • 894
    • RETWEETS
    judgeperaRydog57phoinosevanspaige_BecauseHomerhs6_rjRetroRaygunGre_Gone
    AceMakesWordscholesteroIPajamaBen_PurpleDaemon
  • egg_dog
      egg garfunkle @egg_dog

    petition to rename sausages 'pigarettes'

    • 1,116
    • FAVS
    patrickclareDyslexicBobRACH4_theSTARZCrowleyLuranabeertocatSidewaysBoyhila2k2nikki_zahralban
    • 771
    • RETWEETS
    CrowleyLuranaSidewaysBoyangieelombardothejewishjetLaLaLauren_LuvswagbovieDwat24tomstweeters
  • egg_dog
      egg garfunkle @egg_dog

    supermarketes become so much more terrifying if you find a product with the word ‘instant’ and replaec it with ‘sudden’

    • 1,069
    • FAVS
    donglers123MrXarlableChris_RoestatanenhausA_DeejacksJamieKatunaThe_Will_StokesTotten_Joe
    • 776
    • RETWEETS
    Rydog57apopagasmMrXarlableLucidius134Chris_RoestBroganstrawhatsavannah10019GAlucas
    _Jim_FearAmSockAceMakesWordsthefurlinator
  • egg_dog
      egg garfunkle @egg_dog

    "siri i want 2 get up at 8 oclock"
    u've bought a potato clock
    "no siri the TIME 8 oclock"
    u've bought a tomato clock
    "si…"
    u bought 100 eggs

    • 1,056
    • FAVS
    Simisear_m364np4163Runaway_JellyezgitimurogluGre_Gonedeathstar542chelcscarbroughJesserdt
    • 653
    • RETWEETS
    harjy_kylereed96Gre_GoneMelaniee_EllennDValcichpaulyflipHollograMMatickcgottwtr
    jonnysun
  • egg_dog
      egg garfunkle @egg_dog

    im on a see boob diet. i see boob, i.e tit

    • 1,128
    • FAVS
    tyjnoKhanjanPandya16sa1tiestLaneNickypercyfigsjwatilomlvassallospeedomike
    • 517
    • RETWEETS
    Rydog57harjy_jwatiloKennethArthuRSGre_GoneZeppoWilburySidewaysBoyElliottBCFC
    electrolemonherrsturmKMdhcdinogore
  • egg_dog
      egg garfunkle @egg_dog

    *sneaks out of church & pulls soggy communion wafer out from mouth and adds it to the ball* dont worry jesus youll be back with us soon

    • 1,057
    • FAVS
    j140ppintocholoapopagasmkebnDerekReinboldzqrankinsteamboatbillyanti_personnel
    • 458
    • RETWEETS
    sleepingsextonHaleyHaradeansirpickellPeteSnacks_delareinetrish_chaudharyphabletor123123DaftPunkandLove
  • egg_dog
      egg garfunkle @egg_dog

    turn your pants inside out, then the whole world is your butt and dick

    • 968
    • FAVS
    coolbiRdpicsdustinmizelleJ_shH_llandGre_GoneOwenPReesacertainkelsstephlugBlueTyrannosaur
    • 511
    • RETWEETS
    CallinGarciaantonekstrom8adamn0llRetroRaygunGre_Goneerr_derzapb89TrashGoat00
    AmSock_Jim_Fearrobdelaney
  • egg_dog
      egg garfunkle @egg_dog

    if u milk a cows shadow u get pepsi

    • 811
    • FAVS
    SLABADOODLEbonnaroopjhrsheatherLelde_GethannubleAlastairParkinmikewaldron115JesseSkidmore
    • 504
    • RETWEETS
    JackHuffinsDinostampedeviestartsgulansnrmlbraraaronupPaulSaharovPhoenixPhantomsdeadmoosby
  • egg_dog
      egg garfunkle @egg_dog

    those bread ends u hate? theyre bread parenthesis w/out them thered b bread everywhere no way to stop it wed b fucked trapped in bread hell

    • 584
    • FAVS
    DinostampedeChris_RoestcoolbiRdpicsbotandyFuckedUpSunsetGre_Gonelowtech42Home_Halfway
    • 373
    • RETWEETS
    Rydog57awhdurrrmQuanradiGre_GonebakugoontildawhosonkristallkaosEmmaAlamaa
    BuckyIsotope
  • egg_dog
      egg garfunkle @egg_dog

    “honey let me see” i exclaim at my weeping wife. i finally manaeg to get the pregnancey test off her.i look downe & see the reading. ‘wasps’

    • 643
    • FAVS
    katiethreewayBaileyxGoldbergAccuallyAmAlexNoble_Avenuenatg124meeebokJohnMear1YungFanfiction
    • 307
    • RETWEETS
    JKanezzImLangdonAlgerNoble_AvenuethebigG_69hnrftMrGhandiIvyASmithpetejohnston
    chelsesaurusrex
  • egg_dog
      egg garfunkle @egg_dog

    if a dog is making an butt rub circle on the floor Do Not stop him! the dogge is creating a protective rune on that will save u from wizards

    • 457
    • FAVS
    hetscammocoola_tilda94JTSizzlesBONER_POWER_420madam_newbootyDanMcFlanBeRusTerrmac10_4
    • 350
    • RETWEETS
    coola_tilda94BONER_POWER_420jaqalaqJckCorriganRatCasketshutupheavemmyupphoffinget_pronomen
    sam_reginaldcryotuna
  • egg_dog
      egg garfunkle @egg_dog

    'belieave in yourselv and you can achieve anything' pic.twitter.com/DVk70UHG

    • 416
    • FAVS
    sublime_lemonserika_engchantellecomeauflashemberxoxosaruhhNoble_AvenuelilyinfriedrichMinionChanda__
    • 318
    • RETWEETS
    imlishayangsublime_lemonsLMJrachelNoble_AvenueMahveenepunzyironreaver17wwatermelonie
  • egg_dog
      egg garfunkle @egg_dog

    i asked the dentist to maek my teeth straight & white & now i haev a bunch of republicans for teethe. also i think te dentistt was a wizarde

    • 436
    • FAVS
    JustinBehelerChris_RoestHome_Halfwayareahopsital______neckponytailPrincessMopsyIVtheartofbreakngHelloGallo
    • 252
    • RETWEETS
    harjy_PrincessMopsyIVarielsighhelenkirkyRatCasketCISHETPRIDEDraszmannSweetHaircut
@egg_dog

@egg_dog

im the perimeter wheel lock on the shopping cart of humour

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