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facte: you eat 28 spiders in your lifetime. always 28. if you are about to die and you have only eaten 3 then 25 spiders arrive at once
“google d-dildoes…” i whisper to siri “GOOGLIN BIG OL DILDOES!!” screams the phone, smashing windows in a 9mile radius & flipping over cars
HEY GRAPEFRUIT, know what else is a grape AND a fruit? GRAPES. yeah. so get your own name you citrus idiot
imagine a reverse pizza. the missing hole on the table where the pizza is meant to be. everything else is pizza. the solar system. the air.
sir this ouija board is broken, it keeps spellin stuff like 'wah hoo!' and 'lets a-go!' "hmm it looks like youve bought a luigi board, pal"
viagra is caps lock for ur dick
thrown out of cop school for writing 'whos that pokemon' next to all the chalk outlines
“lets take this club to the next level!” the dj shouted. unfortunately the next level was a boss stage and most of us died
supermarketes become so much more terrifying if you find a product with the word ‘instant’ and replaec it with ‘sudden’
*sneaks out of church & pulls soggy communion wafer out from mouth and adds it to the ball* dont worry jesus youll be back with us soon
"siri i want 2 get up at 8 oclock"
u've bought a potato clock
"no siri the TIME 8 oclock"
u've bought a tomato clock
u bought 100 eggs
turn your pants inside out, then the whole world is your butt and dick
if u milk a cows shadow u get pepsi
im on a see boob diet. i see boob, i.e tit
petition to rename sausages 'pigarettes'
those bread ends u hate? theyre bread parenthesis w/out them thered b bread everywhere no way to stop it wed b fucked trapped in bread hell
if a dog is making an butt rub circle on the floor Do Not stop him! the dogge is creating a protective rune on that will save u from wizards
“honey let me see” i exclaim at my weeping wife. i finally manaeg to get the pregnancey test off her.i look downe & see the reading. ‘wasps’
i asked the dentist to maek my teeth straight & white & now i haev a bunch of republicans for teethe. also i think te dentistt was a wizarde