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“google d-dildoes…” i whisper to siri “GOOGLIN BIG OL DILDOES!!” screams the phone, smashing windows in a 9mile radius & flipping over cars
thrown out of cop school for writing 'whos that pokemon' next to all the chalk outlines
supermarketes become so much more terrifying if you find a product with the word ‘instant’ and replaec it with ‘sudden’
imagine a reverse pizza. the missing hole on the table where the pizza is meant to be. everything else is pizza. the solar system. the air.
kids have you applied the minty paste to the exposed part of your skeleton? yes? well now it is time to lie down in a dark room for hours
sir this ouija board is broken, it keeps spellin stuff like 'wah hoo!' and 'lets a-go!' "hmm it looks like youve bought a luigi board, pal"
*calls over air steward*
can i get a pepsi and some plain nuts please
*steward leans in*
up here we just call them nuts, sir
"siri i want 2 get up at 8 oclock"
u've bought a potato clock
"no siri the TIME 8 oclock"
u've bought a tomato clock
u bought 100 eggs
Teacher: ok class bring your dioramas to the front of the class
Me: [holding a bowl of diahorrea] oh no…
viagra is caps lock for ur dick
if u milk a cows shadow u get pepsi
“lets take this club to the next level!” the dj shouted. unfortunately the next level was a boss stage and most of us died
rum and coke please
"is pepsi ok?"
…um its alright i guess
"cool ill have to try it out"
*bartender pours me a rum and coke*
[sees a coffin]
…that's the last thing I need
*sneaks out of church & pulls soggy communion wafer out from mouth and adds it to the ball* dont worry jesus youll be back with us soon
petition to rename sausages 'pigarettes'
im on a see boob diet. i see boob, i.e tit
turn your pants inside out, then the whole world is your butt and dick
i put the 'ordpl' in 'wordplay'
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