facte: you eat 28 spiders in your lifetime. always 28. if you are about to die and you have only eaten 3 then 25 spiders arrive at once

sir this ouija board is broken, it keeps spellin stuff like 'wah hoo!' and 'lets a-go!' "hmm it looks like youve bought a luigi board, pal"

“google d-dildoes…” i whisper to siri “GOOGLIN BIG OL DILDOES!!” screams the phone, smashing windows in a 9mile radius & flipping over cars

viagra is caps lock for ur dick

imagine a reverse pizza. the missing hole on the table where the pizza is meant to be. everything else is pizza. the solar system. the air.

HEY GRAPEFRUIT, know what else is a grape AND a fruit? GRAPES. yeah. so get your own name you citrus idiot

“lets take this club to the next level!” the dj shouted. unfortunately the next level was a boss stage and most of us died

supermarketes become so much more terrifying if you find a product with the word ‘instant’ and replaec it with ‘sudden’

turn your pants inside out, then the whole world is your butt and dick

im on a see boob diet. i see boob, i.e tit

petition to rename sausages 'pigarettes'

those bread ends u hate? theyre bread parenthesis w/out them thered b bread everywhere no way to stop it wed b fucked trapped in bread hell

“honey let me see” i exclaim at my weeping wife. i finally manaeg to get the pregnancey test off her.i look downe & see the reading. ‘wasps’

if u milk a cows shadow u get pepsi

i asked the dentist to maek my teeth straight & white & now i haev a bunch of republicans for teethe. also i think te dentistt was a wizarde

kids remember to eat your …SHREDSTABLES!!! *gets out giant carrot shaped guitar & plays wicked riff,potatoes fall from ceiling k.o-ing kids*

remember when stephen king ate some bird seed and evolved into stephen hawk king?

'belieave in yourselv and you can achieve anything' pic.twitter.com/DVk70UHG

♫ NINTEY NINE / RED BALLOONS / FLOATING IN THE / BITCH AIN'T ONE ♫

if u see an old person fall down rememebrr to make a wish and it wil always come true :•)