Approaching 3rd month of celibacy. This isn't like getting your ear pierced, is it? Does the hole close up?

Love is spending 95 minutes on hair and makeup and putting on a pretty dress, then ruining it all in a fuckfest on the floor in 10 minutes.

Judging by the prevalence of condom wrappers in the Wal-Mart parking lot, a lot of people have sex after purchasing discount electronics.

If I was a married contortionist, I would wait in the microwave and surprise my husband when he got home from work.

The cat is running around the house dressed in a red thong she found in the laundry basket. Whore.

If you ever get out of my bed after we have sex, and think you have a new rash-- don't panic. Probably just Doritos dust.

Anytime I see a person wrapped in a Snuggie, I think, that's a person I could easily set on fire.

Woke up so hungry that for a split-second, I contemplated life with 9 fingers.

Anytime there's a really fat bride with a thin, fastidious groom, there's either going to be an art collection or a suicide in their future.

Don't even bother saying, "No pun intended." You intended the shit out of that pun.

Sorry, but if you're a man who "hates women and their drama" you'll probably meet a lot of women who "hate misogynists and their stupidity."

Inside every smart woman, there's a little Alpha Male.

The sweat that runs down the neck and spine, and finally into the butt crack? I have that on my Match.com profile under "characteristics."

Ugly people sure make it easy for the rest of us.

Pretty much everyone "falls in love" in the first six months. The science behind that is called, in Layman's terms, fucking.

I'm a fan of whispering, "Im so sorry for your loss," to people who have a tear-drop tattoo on that side of their faces.

Anytime I see a gross chick doing a weird club dance in a deli, I'm tempted to pretend I'm a talent scout.

I wish that just once, the clerk would just put the Monopoly money in the drawer and hand me a receipt.

I wore so much eye makeup to work today that people are going to start referring to this as my day job.

Sorry, but nothing about a fake plastic penis says "Empowerment" to me.