obama just gave a shoutout to the internet!!!! i live there!

so far, this is the whitest black history month ever.

i can't decide if the best part of earth hour is saving the world or masturbating to shadow puppets.

whoa! just saw rahm emanuel driving a neon hover-plow down lake shore drive!

i've learned some important things from twitter today:
1. it snowed.
2. everyone owns a camera phone.

now that "gay people" can serve in the "military," who do i talk to about getting a "cinnabon franchise" in my "laundry room"?

the solitary candy bar wanders, destitute, along the desolate streets of chicago: http://twitpic.com/266lmo

pi day is a double-whammy for jehovah's witnesses, since they don't believe in holidays or circles.

it is so cold i just spent 20 straight seconds thinking about survival instead of boobs and donuts.

RT @dalailama: Text HORSE to 32524 if u want Fred Durst 2 come back as a seahorse or TOAST if u want him 2 come back as a cute toaster oven

QUICK! does anyone have a grolier cd-rom??? i have to finish my dinosaur book report and it's DUE IN 1994.

articles about this HIV cure fail to thank me for selling all those product (red) ipod nanos. also, i watched philadelphia on tv once.

1. first they came for crystal pepsi
2. then they came for surge
3. then they came for four loko
4. ????
5. HOLOCAUST

lou dobbs employed undocumented workers?! it's exactly like that time i told everyone poptarts were gross but secretly I ONLY ATE POPTARTS.

i hope that when scientists cure AIDS, they thank everyone who bought red ipod nanos.

i don't blame tipper gore. i too would have divorced al if he wore his nobel medal during sex and set his wakeup ringtone to "cop killer."

scenes from the recession: i just witnessed two kids arguing over a bottle of vitamin water. hard times, y'all. steinbeck shit right there.

BREAKING: ryan gosling's beard to play osama bin ladin's beard in "MAY DAY: The Night Kid Rock Won An NAACP Image Award"

it took five years, but i finally fucking NAILED the lifeguard whistle solo from "spice up your life."

jesus CHRIST whose ass do i have to kiss to get my mary todd lincoln powerpoint adapted for broadway!?!