The Celtics have offered Paul Pierce to the Blazers, according to a report from ESPN. It is unclear who Boston sought in return.

Anyone have a chainsaw? http://t.co/DdjwV7g

The only reason to ever leave a 2 min+ voicemail is if you are sobbing bc someone is dead. Otherwise, self-edit

Guy sitting behind the phanatic...you are not funny! #phillies

I don't believe in ghosts, but here goes - I miss you, John Ritter.

If I could change one thing about American history, I would give every soldier at Valley Forge a new pair of Uggs.

Women would be disgusted if they knew how little we washed our jeans.

In retrospect, the Geico cavemen are still not funny.

Will Ray-J be the cameraman? RT @ew: E! will air Kim Kardashian wedding extravaganza for FOUR HOURS

Spent today staring at the DVD that comes with the Shake Weight & poking my love handles. And also! I found some Doritos in the couch!

Message from Wall Street today seems to be that the zombies will be arriving shortly.

Not feeling great about how much scrolling down I have to do to get to my birth year.

I hope 'Rise of the Planet of the Apes' ends with all the super smart monkeys teaching Kevin James how to get the girl of his dreams.

"Guys if we want to buy Ashley another hip wrap we're gonna have to cut back on the candle budget." - Producers of the #bachelorette

Heard tell there are all kinds of people out there which means there exists that special kind of jerk who goes on vacation and loses weight.

All around the country, douchebags are picking out the ski hat they'll wear to brunch.

How they react to bad service at a restaurant really tells you all you need to know about a person.

Text "sorry" to everyone you know. C what they write back! That way you can figure out if you're a good or bad person

Hepatitis A. RT @quiznos: What's your favorite thing to get at Quiznos?

Denny's is a great place to meet up with someone you're going to pay for cocaine or murder or illegal reptiles.