Hey, @christhile. You are invited to my wedding, kind sir.

We are animals with brains that trick us into thinking we're not.

If you offer me a piece of fruit flavored gum, I'll accept, but you're no longer allowed to make eye contact with me.

Just saw my girlfriend try on some jeans, and she looks like every hot girl I never had the balls to talk to.

Just thought up a tweet that far exceeds the 140 char limit. I saved it to my drafts with hopes it'll shorten itself without losing value.

My girlfriend just won the last pair of Buzzfest pit tickets from @theresarockface!

Met this guy named Roland; nicknamed him 'Roland in the Deep.'

Girl: I love Victoria's Secret's Christmas commercials, don't you? Boy: I love any Victoria's Secret commercial.

Frito pie with mustard and onions for the Texans game. Let's go 7-3, boy!

I'd like to have one of those Whataburger commercial experiences inside a Whataburger. Like, in real life.

I had coffee this morning.

My job involves a considerable amount of unnecessary handshaking.

I just heard someone say, "rewind."

One skill I'd be okay with losing is my ability to individually name each of the Teletubbies.

If horses could talk, they'd be either noble as shit, or like, super pretentious. Look at them; there is no in-between.

Oh, snap; my mom's birthday is in less than a week.. What do I get her?!

Dude, I really hope we don't experience blackouts. I highly dislike not having power. Please conserve as much energy as you can. #Texas

Just found an action figure some kid left in a cart at Kroger! THIS IS MY DAY

Planking isn't cool.

Rearranged furniture today.