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Weed, gay marriage, and black folks in white houses. I couldn't be happier.
12/12/12 : doomsday for dyslexic Mayans
I have good people skulls. I mean kills. I mean skills. People skills. I'm good at skinning people. Sorry, job interviews make me nervous.
"4 MORE DOGS! 4 MORE DOGS!" - Sasha and Malia, backstage
If Paul Ryan isn't a vice president by midnight, he turns back into a bat.
In Sankrit Namaste means I recognize your divinity. In English it means get out, u sweaty assholes, theres another yoga class coming in.
I'm a white girl with chemically treated hair, what kind of small dog breed is right for me?
This is my son Kale and my daughter Quinoa. I hate them both and don't know why they're popular.
Today I learned that Bruno Mars is not a show on Cartoon Network.
It's an honor just to be dominated.
"Happy Father's Day!"
"Thanks. How's it goin?"
"Good. Okay, here's your mom."
- our longest phone convo ever
My tweets are awful. Everyone's tweets are awful. We should all just stop.
Rhythm is a dancer, but she's studying to get her real estate license because, let's be honest, Rhythm has to earn a living.
I said I'll power down my cellular device when I'm good and - oh? You're making eye contact with me? I immediately surrender #bye
Kate Upton has a body that was designed by a focus group of 7th grade boys.
I am avoiding this sink full of dishes as if it was a clip-board activist with a worthy cause.
My mom used the phrase "this Millie Cyprus girl" 3 times on the phone just now.
I liked that part in Game of Thrones when that violent thing happened and those girls were naked and everyone's face was dirty.
A board game called Mystery Bruise where my friends try to guess how I got a bruise and the answer is always I don't know and no one wins.
actress, comedian, writer, NYC / LA, Mary-Kate of Very Mary-Kate on http://t.co/ERqsmMz3nx