Popular Recent Faved By Given
Friends: 582
Followers: 10,071
Favs Given: 7,239
Favs Rec'd: 10,250
@elbeard's (El Beard) most faved Tweets...
elbeard
I wasn't crying. Sometimes my eyes water because of allergies to emotions.
@elbeard
elbeard
This is the worst adult dating site ever.
@elbeard
elbeard
There's still political oppression in Iran? I thought the green avatars fixed that.
@elbeard
elbeard
Mom & Dad gave me their “You’re a failure” speech, so I told them how many friends have on Twitter. It seemed to bolster their argument.
@elbeard
elbeard
When I see some chick isn't following me, I just think “Lesbo” and everything’s fine again.
@elbeard
elbeard
This Service Engine light needs to be more specific if it wants any help from me.
@elbeard
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elbeard
Just invented Strip Twitter. The rules are inconsistent and solely determined by me. You're all playing. There is no opt out.
@elbeard
elbeard
Dear Ladies, My gay friends are much nicer than you & no man has tried to kill me - or ruin my life out of spite. Explain yourselves.
@elbeard
elbeard
How long without sex does it take to become a virgin again? I'm asking for my sobbing libido.
@elbeard
elbeard
High school started! Now all the hot teen girls are in one place & easier to find. It's like the Internet but without incriminating IP logs.
@elbeard
elbeard
Yeah, ladies. When I star something, it ain't no finger pushing that mouse button.
@elbeard
elbeard
So, anyway... Does this penis make my legs look short?
@elbeard
elbeard
The mystery of whether or not I remembered to take my meds should solve itself any minute now.
@elbeard
elbeard
I scored with a REALLY hot girl last night.

OK, I just talked with her.


Shut up, it wasn't on Twitter so it's more than you got.
@elbeard
elbeard
Have you looked at what we write here? We're supposed to be adults, for Christ's sake.
@elbeard
elbeard
Know how everyone is stupid except you? Same here.
@elbeard
elbeard
I'm a lot like God because I make women out of inanimate objects, too.
@elbeard
elbeard
Nephew caught masturbating by his mom, who freaked & told everyone. Will that scar him more than my posting this to the world? Still funny.
@elbeard
elbeard
I want to thank all of you for reminding me exactly why I don't socialize with people. You sick twisted fucks.
@elbeard
elbeard
I was unfollowed by all the Christians that started following me for making a Jewish joke. Didn't Jesus have a few thoughts on hypocrites?
@elbeard
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