jay-z has a custom la-z boy that says "jay-z boy" on it. he doesn't even sit in it. just walks by n giggles, mumblin "u crazy for this one"

I'm Barack Obama, and I think reading is *catches football* a slam dunk! *looks at football* oh, for christ's... Biden, we talked about this

"It's Adam and Eve, not Adamant Eve!" Despite his clever wordplay, Eve stands her ground. " I'm not doing butt stuff, Adam."

kanye west slowly pacing around the room to avoid a bee but insisting that he's not scared of it

a cute girl stopped behind my laptop as I was full screen on a pic of bread and I didn't know what to say so I stammered out "I like bread"

*enters old shed* so drake's shooting his video in here, george? *raises shotgun* "he sure is, lenny... *tear rolls down cheek* he sure is"

.@menshumor nice. this is real and good humor. for men. good tweet. very funny. i'm so sick of women doing sex, dude. leave that to the men

"Pacifist? ha ha, yeah. I'm a pacifist. imma pass a fist right through your FACE, birdbrain!" "Yo, cmon, Gandhi, he ain't worth it, man."

Trump calling Obama the "least transparent president in history" is pretty unfair, considering that 39 of the presidents are now ghosts.

good joke but you gotta work on your delivery "it's not delivery it's digiorno" wow get out of my class. never return to joke school again

in 2012 i convinced two girls at a party to come back to my place to watch space jam on blu ray and that is literally all that happened

sir... *removes hat* i'm going down with the ship. "oh you'll go down on the titanic, but not on me huh" jesus carol this is hardly the time

*prostitute leans into your car* "hey baby u lookin for a good time" *she pulls out her iphone and begins reading tweets" 10 years ago we ha

THIS IS NOT A DRILL. I REPEAT THIS IS NOT A DRILL. *i hold up a wrench* hahaha nah i'm just foolin'. but yeah there's a fire in the hallway

damn girl, are you the wife of a convict serving a long term in a federal penitentiary, because you left before i even finished my sentence

[gets real confused in the club as "Carry On My Wayward Son" crossfades into "Africa"] Toto?! I don't think this is Kansas anymore..

true story: a professor told us her fav. movie was harold and maude, i asked if she was upset when maude was replaced w/ kumar in the remake

day 121 of my stand-off with the barista at starbucks. i ordered a tall iced coffee and said "cool beans." i will not leave until he laughs

"no diggity" is what you're supposed to say after you accidentally say something to your bros that sounds real super diggity

damn girl, you got a butt that WON'T QUIT *butt pulls out a knife* wait, no- *butt stabs me* no, stop- *butt doesn't stop* ...et tu, bootay