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@elibraden's (Eli Braden) most faved Tweets...
elibraden
Spike Jones isn't his real name, of course. It's "Spichael Jones".
@elibraden
elibraden
Whatever doesn't kill me makes me all like, "Whoa! That was close!"
@elibraden
elibraden
A bookworm reads a lot of books. A tapeworm listens to a lot of books on tape.
@elibraden
elibraden
I understand dedicating a club to stripping but a WHOLE MALL?
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elibraden
I like my women the way I like my Star Wars films - At least 27 years old & never having had Hayden Christensen in them.
@elibraden
elibraden
While bread flavored with dill is delicious, attempts to commercially market pre-mixed "dill-dough" have failed miserably.
@elibraden
elibraden
Asking Chaz Bono if he's "ever been abroad" may lead to some confusion.
@elibraden
elibraden
Lou Dobbs will no doubt be moving to white-people-centric FOX News. He's leaving CNN because he's tired of, in his words, "seein' N's"
@elibraden
elibraden
The Skywalker twins were delivered by OB-GYN Kenobi
@elibraden
elibraden
In Taiwan, aggressive, impatient, competitive Chinamen are said to have a "Taipei Personality"
@elibraden
elibraden
When hoping to seduce a well-read lady, be sure your Cocteau and Balzac are prominently displayed
@elibraden
elibraden
Genius is 10% inspiration, 90% perspiration. That explains why men who smell like Right Guard Sport are so dumb.
@elibraden
elibraden
Africans have over 200 words for snow. Among them: "What", "the", "fuck", "IS", "this" and "stuff?".
@elibraden
elibraden
Santa only comes once a year - That's not good for his prostate.
@elibraden
elibraden
People assume I'm Jewish because my name is Eli. Even more so when they learn it's short for "Elicatessan".
@elibraden
elibraden
"Quesadylan", Bob Dylan's album of traditional Mexican songs, is pretty cheesy.
@elibraden
elibraden
Catholics who intensely miss the previous Pope are said to be "John Paul jonesin'".
@elibraden
elibraden
One anagram for "Tonight Show With Jay Leno" is: "A Wet, Jowly Shit Hog. Thin? No."
@elibraden
elibraden
I like my women the way I like my mens' room lightswitch at Tenacious D's rehearsal space: Almost excusively turned on by chubby dudes.
@elibraden
elibraden
I guess this proves all mixed-race billionaires at the undisputed pinnacle of their profession cheat on their Scandanavian model wives.
@elibraden
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