Blood is thicker than water, but maple syrup is thicker than blood. So pancakes are more important than family. There, I said it.

I switched my cellphone to 'airplane mode' and threw it up into the air.. must tell you: WORST. TRANSFORMER. EVER.

Never laugh at your husband's choices. You're one of them.

"Don't worry, I'll hold your stuff. You just worry about making friends." - Cargo Pants

To find your cool robot name, take the first 16 digits of your credit card & combine with the expiry date and security code. What’s yours?

A jealous woman does better research than the FBI.

If "she'll be riding six white horses when she comes", she's probably a little more woman than you can handle

The people who invented the Internet never would have got around to doing it if they’d had the Internet.

Dear tweeps: They're=they are; their=belonging to them; there=not here. Next week, rocket science.

When I’m in the car and a sad song comes on the radio, I stare out the window and act like I’m in a movie.

I’m not fat, I’m harder to kidnap.

Never judge someone because they sin differently than you.

So I made up a new word: Askhole.
It means a person who constantly asks for your advice, yet always does the opposite of what you told them

Fool me once, shame on you. Fool me twice, shame on me. Fool me 97.358 times, you are a weather man.

If everyday is a gift then today was socks.

A huge shoutout to my EX for making room for something better to come into my life.

Mensturation, menopause, mental breakdown... Notice how all women's problems begin with men.

I have a condition that makes me eat when I can't sleep. Its called Insom-nom-nom-nia.

I avoid parking tickets by leaving my wipers on high.

The thing that sucks about chilling with friends is that they see how much I stare at my phone & know how little I answer their texts/calls