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I switched my cellphone to 'airplane mode' and threw it up into the air.. must tell you: WORST. TRANSFORMER. EVER.
Never laugh at your husband's choices. You're one of them.
"Don't worry, I'll hold your stuff. You just worry about making friends." - Cargo Pants
If "she'll be riding six white horses when she comes", she's probably a little more woman than you can handle
To find your cool robot name, take the first 16 digits of your credit card & combine with the expiry date and security code. What’s yours?
A jealous woman does better research than the FBI.
The people who invented the Internet never would have got around to doing it if they’d had the Internet.
Dear tweeps: They're=they are; their=belonging to them; there=not here. Next week, rocket science.
When I’m in the car and a sad song comes on the radio, I stare out the window and act like I’m in a movie.
I’m not fat, I’m harder to kidnap.
So I made up a new word: Askhole.
It means a person who constantly asks for your advice, yet always does the opposite of what you told them
Never judge someone because they sin differently than you.
If everyday is a gift then today was socks.
Fool me once, shame on you. Fool me twice, shame on me. Fool me 97.358 times, you are a weather man.
A huge shoutout to my EX for making room for something better to come into my life.
Mensturation, menopause, mental breakdown... Notice how all women's problems begin with men.
I have a condition that makes me eat when I can't sleep. Its called Insom-nom-nom-nia.
The thing that sucks about chilling with friends is that they see how much I stare at my phone & know how little I answer their texts/calls
Genius by birth, evil by nature and human by chance. Hard to get, but worth the effort... See for yourself -- http://t.co/FrjalYWqFz
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