I don't like being the grown up. I liked eight better. Someone pick me up.

I'm confused. Am I supposed to hump or leap today?

I have decided four year old daughter could be labeled as a dictator-tot.

Nary a damn shall be given today.

The GOP is attempting to #occupy my womb.

YOU THINK YOU CAN DRUNK ADVERTISE? WE'LL SHOW YOU WHO CAN DRUNK ADVERTISE. #MadMen

I'm taking a trip to wine country, too. If by "wine country" you mean "the second shelf in my refrigerator."

Everyone sing along...

Carpool. Anyone interested in some slightly used white kids?

I'm gonna need to see your papers, Lorraine.

Oh, social media. You complete me.

Wait. What? Was he selling something? #DavidBeckham

Made Hubs fajitas. House smells amazing. Appropriate for the Fiesta Bowl, I suppose.

RT @tyleroakley Kim Kardashian earned $17,900,000 from her wedding and divorced 72 days later (but gays ruin the sanctity of marriage).

Four year old daughter to me: Mommy! The dog just licked me! He wants to see if I am yum or yuck.

@elbeard Yes, this humor is terrible, to be franc.

I've got it! They pick the next Pontiff with a reality show! We'll call it "Top Pope."

Just reminding you the Puppy Bowl went off without a hitch today, people.

I refuse to empty a dishwasher on a Saturday night. I USED TO BE ROCK AND ROLL, DAMMIT.

I'm being told seven year son has a new favorite tv show: Mad Money with Jim Cramer. This is what I get for leaving the house last night.