RT @tyleroakley Kim Kardashian earned $17,900,000 from her wedding and divorced 72 days later (but gays ruin the sanctity of marriage).

120 million spent by my government to convict Roger Clemens. Who was acquitted of all charges. I would like a refund, please.

The GOP is attempting to #occupy my womb.

YOU THINK YOU CAN DRUNK ADVERTISE? WE'LL SHOW YOU WHO CAN DRUNK ADVERTISE. #MadMen

I'm taking a trip to wine country, too. If by "wine country" you mean "the second shelf in my refrigerator."

I want cake like a fat kid wants...well, cake.

Just reminding you the Puppy Bowl went off without a hitch today, people.

RT @benschwartzy: Barbara Walters hospitalized after she fell down? WHY WON'T SHE TALK ABOUT BENGHAZI?

Everyone sing along...

Carpool. Anyone interested in some slightly used white kids?

Catch 47% #Mitterature

Send tweets to Facebook indeed. Where do you think I hide from my Facebook friends?

Leaked Fundraiser Video Shows Romney Saying 47% Of Americans Are "Dependent" http://t.co/rTfDNvYY via @buzzfeed

You'd think instead of trying to boycott that Florida restaurant owner, the Republicans would be hugging him too. Way to win friends.

Virginia lawmaker: Children with disabilities are God’s punishment to women who had abortions. http://t.co/0wRTHsSK via @thinkprogress

Good god, that Tulane player broke his neck. Tracheotomy ON THE FIELD. PRAYERS.

RT @jillebond Take notes kiddies, this is how it's done. #Clinton

Four years ago I didn't need glasses. I BLAME OBAMA.

RT @bill__murray: Give a man a fish and you’ll feed him for a day; give him a religion, and he’ll starve to death while praying for a fish.

Decaf coffee and non-alcoholic beer must be for people who just like to pee more.