Grilled cheese is the sweatpants of food

"As a side dish to your burrito would you like all the things that are inside the burrito, again?" - Mexican restaurants

Everytime I see cops I wanna go say "I saw everything," then describe the plot of Mighty Ducks

Mitt Romney in the basement secretly playing the Sims as a black family because he's curious

I spent so much time bowling as a kid that the first time I fingered a girl I accidentally threw her down the hallway

Whenever I see two people kissing at an Olive Garden I pry their faces apart and scream, "WHEN YOU'RE HERE, YOU'RE FAMILY, YOU SICKOS"

that show "Intervention" should just be called "Haters"

"WITH OUR POWERS COMBINED!" "EARTH" "WIND" "WATER" "FIRE" "HEART" "SELF-LOATHING" get outta here Eli "SORRY"

Guy Fieri looks like an Applebee's manager went super-saiyan

Hey buddy, before you call me that, would a FAGGOT suck dicks like THIS *sucks dicks wrong*

When the lights came back on three of the 49ers were dead and Ray Lewis was wearing a new uniform

Just saw a guy with a Great Gatsby tattoo reading The Great Gatsby. It's like, we believe you.

Do married snakes have little towels that say "Hiss" and "Herss" *CEO of twitter reads my tweet, "SHUT IT DOWN BOYS," he yells, darkness.*

If someone wants to steal my bike, they will steal my bike. But I still lock it, because I want it to be as DIFFICULT AS HUMANLY POSSIBLE.

The Olympics is a great way to remember what the human body is supposed to look like.

When Kate Middleton is giving birth & the doctor says "It's crowning!" everyone will have a good laugh then get back to work on that baby

Mitt Romney was supposed to appear on Anderson Cooper tonight, but it's cancelled after he shoved Anderson into a locker before AP Biology

.@barackobama if you don't respond to this I get to be president

Weird how God let Obama win, what with supporting the gays and all

Any animal is a bird if you throw it off a building, at least for a few seconds