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Grilled cheese is the sweatpants of food
"As a side dish to your burrito would you like all the things that are inside the burrito, again?" - Mexican restaurants
Everytime I see cops I wanna go say "I saw everything," then describe the plot of Mighty Ducks
I spent so much time bowling as a kid that the first time I fingered a girl I accidentally threw her down the hallway
Whenever I see two people kissing at an Olive Garden I pry their faces apart and scream, "WHEN YOU'RE HERE, YOU'RE FAMILY, YOU SICKOS"
"WITH OUR POWERS COMBINED!" "EARTH" "WIND" "WATER" "FIRE" "HEART" "SELF-LOATHING" get outta here Eli "SORRY"
that show "Intervention" should just be called "Haters"
Hey buddy, before you call me that, would a FAGGOT suck dicks like THIS *sucks dicks wrong*
Mitt Romney in the basement secretly playing the Sims as a black family because he's curious
Guy Fieri looks like an Applebee's manager went super-saiyan
Just saw a guy with a Great Gatsby tattoo reading The Great Gatsby. It's like, we believe you.
Do married snakes have little towels that say "Hiss" and "Herss" *CEO of twitter reads my tweet, "SHUT IT DOWN BOYS," he yells, darkness.*
The Olympics is a great way to remember what the human body is supposed to look like.
Any animal is a bird if you throw it off a building, at least for a few seconds
When Kate Middleton is giving birth & the doctor says "It's crowning!" everyone will have a good laugh then get back to work on that baby
The most popular race at the Kentucky Derby is white
Hey dude wearing a visor driving a convertible, we get it, you don't like the tops of things
"Could I BE any more?" -Existential Chandler Bing
When the lights came back on three of the 49ers were dead and Ray Lewis was wearing a new uniform
Writer and Comedian and @nottildaswinton. Contributor to SNL and Someecards. Wrote both of the Titanic movies