Grilled cheese is the sweatpants of food

"As a side dish to your burrito would you like all the things that are inside the burrito, again?" - Mexican restaurants

Everytime I see cops I wanna go say "I saw everything," then describe the plot of Mighty Ducks

I spent so much time bowling as a kid that the first time I fingered a girl I accidentally threw her down the hallway

Whenever I see two people kissing at an Olive Garden I pry their faces apart and scream, "WHEN YOU'RE HERE, YOU'RE FAMILY, YOU SICKOS"

"WITH OUR POWERS COMBINED!" "EARTH" "WIND" "WATER" "FIRE" "HEART" "SELF-LOATHING" get outta here Eli "SORRY"

that show "Intervention" should just be called "Haters"

Hey buddy, before you call me that, would a FAGGOT suck dicks like THIS *sucks dicks wrong*

Mitt Romney in the basement secretly playing the Sims as a black family because he's curious

Guy Fieri looks like an Applebee's manager went super-saiyan

Just saw a guy with a Great Gatsby tattoo reading The Great Gatsby. It's like, we believe you.

Do married snakes have little towels that say "Hiss" and "Herss" *CEO of twitter reads my tweet, "SHUT IT DOWN BOYS," he yells, darkness.*

The Olympics is a great way to remember what the human body is supposed to look like.

.@barackobama if you don't respond to this I get to be president

Any animal is a bird if you throw it off a building, at least for a few seconds

When Kate Middleton is giving birth & the doctor says "It's crowning!" everyone will have a good laugh then get back to work on that baby

The most popular race at the Kentucky Derby is white

Hey dude wearing a visor driving a convertible, we get it, you don't like the tops of things

"Could I BE any more?" -Existential Chandler Bing

When the lights came back on three of the 49ers were dead and Ray Lewis was wearing a new uniform