My star count always seems to peak at five, like I did, socially.

"How long are you planning on leaving that spider corpse in the bathroom as an 'example'?"

"Until the rest of them LEARN."

Ok, people, let's be real. Who HASN'T burst into tears in the middle of Ikea.

My life summed up in one sentence is probably "Hey, how'd I get THAT bruise?"

I just decided that buying a bonsai tree would be "too much commitment", if anyone was wondering where I'm at in life.

Little known fact: Harry Potter's invisibility cloak was actually just a standard work apron.

THIS CHILDREN'S SHOW HOST IS RUBBING A GIANT SLINKY UP AND DOWN WHILE SINGING ABOUT HOW HIS HANDS ARE HIS FRIENDS THIS IS NOT A DRILL

"They lived happily ever after", and sexy shower poses are Hollywood's biggest lies.

I spend 75% of my time with some amount of coffee grind in my bra.

Fellas.

Like you've never put a bra on your kneecaps because it makes it comfier to rest your chin there while browsing the Internet!!!

Living through an Australian summer sure feels a lot like dying.

It turns out neither of us were right about what J.Lo meant when she said "If I wanna floss I got my own."

We have reached the "my leg-hair is sharp enough to pierce my opposite leg-skin" portion of my personal grooming cycle.

SO MANY PEOPLE IN SISTER ACT 2 ARE DEAD NOW.

Spend enough time on Youtube, and learning all the words to Super Bass starts seeming like a noble and worthy goal.

UPSET THAT I'M PROBABLY NEVER GONNA BE ABLE TO EMERGE FROM THE OCEAN LOOKING SUPER ATTRACTIVE

It's my birthday. and I can dress like Princess Jasmine if I want to.

I would rather die than raise a child who would grow up to stand still in the escalator's designated walking lane.

Why yes, I do scream "GO GO GO, THIS IS NOT A DRILL" in my head whenever my laptop gets to 10% battery life and no, sir, I cannot marry you.

"I thought I saw you or someone wearing your stupid shorts this morning!"