If I ever see a zombie horde coming I'm going to put on the Thriller album just to see what happens.

I accidently watched 2 minutes of Keeping Up with the Kardashians, and now I’m pretty sure I forgot how to add.

Too bad the Mayan's calendar didn't warn them about the Spanish.

I switched to Herbal Essences shampoo, but quickly discovered that I don't have a clit on top of my head like those women in the commercials

You men can blame it on the 'Dryer Monster' all you want. We know what really happened to that missing sock.

If Paris Hilton ever gets married, I'm going to send her a set of expensive monogrammed towels that say 'His' and 'Herpes'

70% of the numbers in my phone are only there to warn me of whose calls I do not want to answer.

Just watched 'Deliverence.' What. The. Fuck?? It only cost them $4.99 to fill up their car?

If I ever win the lottery, I'm hiring someone to dress up like a Storm Trooper to hold my purse while I try on clothes and shit.

Any bets on when Rosie O'Donnell finally admits to being Michael Moore on the days she doesn't shave?

I need a new job, but don't want to blend in w/other applicants. It's time to add Jedi & 'no gag reflex' to my qualifications on my resume.

Yes, I do believe that 2012 will be the end…of that theory.

Me? I'm eating bacon, naked, while drinking a beer and playing black ops. How's your day?

I've always wanted to climb Mt. Everest...just not more than I don't want to.

I've accepted the fact that the closest I'll ever get to knowing what it's like to be a man, is peeing in the shower.

I wish I could get back all the time I've spent adjusting my boobs in tight shirts, making sure my nipples were even.

Coincidence that God made our arms just long enough to touch our junk? I think not.

The number of things I feel compelled to sniff before I buy, is slightly embarrassing.

Of the few things that rise in the morning, the sun is easily my second favorite.

Fuck you favstar. I'm a fast reader and some people earn a star on every tweet. You're not the boss of me.