Facebook, I am not here to make friends. I am here to make my family and friends from kindergarten wish they didn't know me.

I wonder if cannibals believe that the skin is the best part.

I wish Princess Di was made of LEGO. We could have reassembled her after the crash, or made her into a pirate ship or a space station.

Just applied for a job, fingers crossed I will be able to quit my current position of living room curator, remote specialist.

Didn't do any of the things I said I was going to do today. Just like every other day. Like clockwork. Yet people tell me I need structure.

What kind of Bees produce milk?
BOOBEES!!!!!

The only reason I'm answering Facebook friend facts is to earn enough silver to see which fucker said i would have ugly children.

Procrastination is like masturbation, it's good in the beginning, but in the end you realize you've just fucked yourself.

There is chocolate in my kitchen. I don't want to eat it. I have never had a dilemma like this before.

I wonder if my teacher will notice that I quoted family guy in my essay, and referenced a Prof. Stewie Griffin.

Getting a spray tan before my sister gets back from London. To fool her into thinking I have actually left the house in the past 2 years.

Going to work out. Thank god we have a treadmill other wise I would have to go outside. With the social people. *shivers*

I missed Follow Friday by an hour and 38 minutes, so introducing... Stalker Saturday.

I just dug through trash looking for newspaper for my art project, I have never felt more hipster. BRB going to punch myself in the face.

Guys stop twittering you are distracting me from 'important' work. Pfft who am i kidding continue with your dick jokes.

Just attempted to scratch my nose with my desk, while staying completely focused on Guitar Hero. High Score and concussion FTW!

Can somebody please send me a box of swine flu. I don't want to see my extended family this Christmas.

Does singing 'Incy Wincy Spider' while chasing my cat around the garden in a sailors hat make me look crazy?

I got eye raped by a girl at the shopping center tonight. I pretty sure I'm flattered that I was doing more for her then her boyfriend.

have you ever had Diarrhea so bad that your afraid to move? No..... Me either.