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Freshly cleaned pillow case, you are the smooth vulva to my sleepy face penis.
Nothing makes me feel more porn star attractive than going to Wal-Mart on a Saturday afternoon.
Beer and pot for dinner. You have to keep your food groups balanced. #nutrition
When my dog gets a new toy, she immediately goes to work chewing off the eyes. Just the eyes. Should I be freaked out?
Google "Can you even ride a fucking ostrich?" Going for an Autocomplete Me here - please RT!
If you're an adult wearing a Disney jacket I'm not avoiding you. I just think you have a soft moron brain and I don't want to catch that.
I just mistakenly typed "I want to leave a life of..." when I meant "lead a life". Does my subconscious want to kill me??
Confusing, non-sequiturous graffiti is my favorite source of band names. My electro-metal band will be Shitty Carbonate! per a dumpster.
#QuestionForRomney so is it short for Mittward, or just Mitt as in "oven" or "catcher's"?