I shouldn't read @robdelaney's tweets during class. People think I'm laughing about lynching.

"I can be your gyro, baby." -Engreekque Iglesias

Ask me how much I hate people who describe themselves as "random."

I just want to introduce Kristen Stewart to shampoo.

Today someone told me that I wasn't socially awkward and my heart melted.

First of all, North Carolina has lost its right to call itself "North." So that happened.

i was just thinking about how cool i look today and then a guy in a cowboy hat and a windbreaker got in the elevator

Welcome to a life of insecurity and paralyzing self-doubt.

You spend like five years being someone's best friend, and then you find out that they've never read The Hitchhiker's Guide. How.

Facebook doesn't get my jokes.

Hey, Twitter, why aren't you laughing at my jokes, you fucktards?

Stop bringing drama to the food network gtfo

i do judge a woman's intelligence by how frequently they quote marilyn monroe!

hidden valley ranch land looks like the worst place ever.

Ten years later and I'd still probably apologize for bleeding on your shirt. #tellallyourfriends @tbsofficial

As a Jewish woman, it is my duty to find a way to compare EVERYTHING to Fiddler On the Roof.

Have a great Sunday. Here's a picture of my cats. http://t.co/K67grakF

Hey baby, my dark knight rises, too.

Are the Hunger Games like the Olympics for the starving children in Africa? Because that ain't funny.

WAY TO GO, FALL OUT BOY. YOU MADE A 23 YEAR OLD LADY CRY BECAUSE SHE CAN'T AFFORD YOUR TICKETS. #saverockandroll pic.twitter.com/tg6Bw0OV