If abortion is murder are condoms kidnapping?

The ten commandments could be reduced to one: don't be an asshole.

You can probably BBQ without drinking a beer, but I don't want to chance it.

Why do hospitals need to advertise? It's not like I'm going to go to Home Depot instead.

Dear Government,
If I drink $50 worth of booze I pass out. If I smoke $50 in weed, I eat $50 I'n food. Stimulate the economy, legalize it.

If you give an 8 year old kid or a stoner $10 and send them to the store they will come home with the exact same things. #facts

I party like a rockstar. A very poor rockstar who isn't in a band any more.

Gays can't get married, I can't smoke a plant, women can't serve in combat, but you have the right to an assault rifle?
Makes perfect sense.

Looking at the news footage of Boston reminds me that it takes a great person to run towards a tragedy. Thanks first responders.

8 years ago today, some dude blew me the fuck up. Cheers asshole, I live in America, and can have beer and bacon. pic.twitter.com/6Fis0FZNBP

My ex said I'd never find another woman like her. Told her good, cause I didn't want to fuck ugly retarded whores anymore.
Point, Set, Match

I served my country for 20 years in the army, a purple heart, two bronze stars and I now own a small business. I'm a damn #ProductiveStoner

My plan to reduce shark attacks. Get them hooked on meth. Getting gummed by a toothless shark probably tickles.

60% of drug overdoses came from legal prescription pills. Tell me again about the evils of a plant that makes you laugh and eat.

Me and my 9 year old are planning on getting rich the old fashion way, by catching a Bigfoot.

My spirit animal is a honey badger on LSD who masturbates to lesbian porn while drinking Mai Tai's from a crazy straw.

Let me get this straight, your Jesus forgives adulterers, but hates people in love?

Honey Boo Boo is what happens when relatives fuck.

You never know how high you are until you go out in public.

Americans don't understand freedom, because they've only been in America. Visit the world, and you'll respect what freedoms you really have.