It should be OK to taste the toothpaste at the grocery store before you buy it. BECAUSE I JUST DID.

Note: I will accidentally follow, unfollow, and follow you repeatedly. My brain is the size of a walnut and my fingers are like kielbasas.

If gansta rap is wrong, I don't wanna be white.

Arizona is trending at about 1000 tweets a minute. It's a dry hate.

Being modest and sucking are virtually indistinguishable.

The sexual tension in this Scooby-Doo episode is nearly unbearable.

Happiness is being able to afford books.

I almost tweeted about the weather and what I had for lunch, but then I remembered something something punchline. #sunnyandhot #sandwich

Downside to Halloween: Due to people coming to the door tonight, I am going to have to wear pants INSIDE MY OWN HOME.

It's my birthday. I'm not going to ask you to favr this tweet. I am pretty much telling you to, or GYPSY CURSE on your LOINS.

I think I found the alley where @johnroderick fell in love, then ran away. Twice.  http://www.flickr.com/photos/48976578@N06/8253062760/in/photostream/ …

Binders full of first world problems Tupac hologram joke PLEASE LOVE ME

It's like the toaster manufacturers don't even know pop tarts exist.

So this is 1% milk and— what? 99% other cow juices?

Men: being completely bald looks 1000x better than fighting your baldness. Come home to who you are.


Please come home.

I am sure your tweet was funny, but I am too old to know the celebrity you referenced.

I can't remeber the entire dream from last night, but I need to register the domain SasquatchOnaSegway as soon as possible.

GOT fans = Thronies?

How do I get my account verified? I'm tired of all these fake geniuses stealing my modest thunder.

Scientists predict that by 2014 the elderly will have printed the entire internet.


Twice.