"Sucks to be you" - Terrible suicide hotline worker

I was about to get really outraged & offended by this guy's creepy request till I saw the smiley face at the end. Then everything was okay.

Whoa whoa whoa there, girls named Meaghan. Chill out on the letters.

My family likes to give me little reminders like "don't forget your keys" and "wear a jacket" and "get married soon." Thanks guys.

If you watch Titanic backward, its about a boat full of zombies who attack New York.

And then it hit me: When he'd said "pillow talk," he hadn't meant strategizing a fort of couch cushions. In fact, I hadn't even been close

An accidental hip thrust while putting on my sweatpants is about as sexy as I get.

Friend: Did you text him?
Me: Yeah
F: What'd you say?
M: Long narrative about my cat and ex boyfriend. I think he likes me now.

Million Dollar Idea: Toilet paper with short stories on them.

FACT: If a group of hooligans ever attack me and are like "Hey, spell atrocious correctly or we'll kill you!" they're going to kill me.

"I gave it a shot." -Bartender, referring to a hermaphrodite they just served.

Hey Drunk Emily- I know you're texting bitches, so stop deleting the evidence. Regards, Sober Emily.

I feel like I could beat Shaq at Scrabble.

What choosy moms really need to choose is to shut the hell up and make the damn sandwiches.

I like it when guys give me the royal treatment. You know, Burger King for dinner, Dairy Queen for dessert. Just saying, I have standards.

9 times out of 10 I'm "that" person. You know, the one described by a conjunction turned adjective---THAT person.

"Siri is it raining outside?" "Zooey for the 800th time you're standing by a window."

Not to sound stalky or anything, but you're out of toothpaste.

Children's drinking game: Shots and Ladders.

Call me Hasbro.

GUYS! I have the WHOLE house to myself! Do you realize what this means?!

I CAN DO ALL MY LAUNDRY &THERE'S NOTHING ANYONE CAN DO TO STOP ME!